


Bullet Holes and Butterfly Bandages

by wicked_writings



Category: The Losers (2010), The Losers - All Media Types
Genre: Blood, Cougar is a BAMF, Friends to Lovers, Fun times in combat, Jensen whinges, Legless Pooch and Jensen are on it, M/M, Smut, Spanish lessons with Dora, Violence, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-11-19
Updated: 2013-01-02
Packaged: 2017-11-19 01:01:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 22,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/567273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wicked_writings/pseuds/wicked_writings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen makes like a cheese grater and Cougar is all of the Expendables in one sexy Mexican guy. </p><p>Or, the one where Cougar is woefully patient while Jensen figures out just what is going on in that crazy, schizophrenic head of his.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please note: the tag for "graphic depictions of violence" applies only to the first chapter :)

So they’re in Afghanistan, just outside of Kandahar, and Jensen, instead of being ensconced in front of his computer at a safe house, has been thrown into combat with the rest of the Losers, and though he enjoys the odd firefight, right now he wishes the object in front of him was a computer screen, not the business end of an AK47.

“Oh shit,” Jensen whimpers; the nasty gun spatters, and then the world goes black. 

*

When he wakes, there’s no sterile white walls, no harsh lights, no hard hospital bed. He hasn’t been found, hasn’t been hauled out and treated. No, dammit, he’s on his side, on the ground, his ears bursting with gunfire and there’s a hellish burn of vicious pain in his shoulder, and he realises he’s been shot even before the fingers of his good hand delicately probe his torn fatigues and come away glistening with crimson blood. He hopes to god it’s a through and through, but when he experimentally moves his shoulder the pain makes him cry out and his eyes water, and he knows the damn bullet is still in there somewhere, playing ping-pong with his shoulder blade. And worst of all, far worse than being shot, he can’t see a damn thing. 

His good hand gropes around on his face for his glasses, but they aren’t there, not on the ground around either and Jensen concedes he’ll probably never see them again. It’s bad enough that he’s lost a $600 pair of prescription glasses but he’s also stuck in the middle of a firefight, trapped in an al Queda compound, and he can’t see to get himself out. 

“Guys,” Jensen gasps out, hoping like fuck he hasn’t lost his comms and the others are listening. There’s nothing, so Jensen tries again. “Guys! Cougar!”

“Jensen!” It’s Clay’s voice that barks out into his ear, not Coug’s, but Jensen’s in so much pain right now he doesn’t give a damn. 

“I’m down, they shot me, and I lost my glasses Clay I can’t see a fucking thing!” Jensen knows he’s panicking, but he’s hopeless to stop it, all those mental toughness techniques going out the proverbial wide open window. 

“Where’d they get you, Jensen?” Clay’s voice is stupidly calm, and Jensen can’t understand why he isn’t worried, why he isn’t blowing half the damn place to hell and back to get to him. The pain is getting worse, like he’s on fire from the inside out, and he bites his lip so hard blood drips down his chin. He gasps though, takes a deep, shuddering breath and tries to answer. 

“My shoulder,” he pants, and then he thinks and experimentally wriggles the rest of his body, and everything seems ok until he gets to his left ankle. It feels strange, like the connection to his toes is gone and it’s suddenly got a life of its own, which seems to revolve around providing agonising pain and an ugly wet sensation. 

“Ughhhhh!” he roars with pain and frustration, and manages to babble out “My ankle, it’s fucked!” He’s in as shitty a situation as he’s ever been, and he realises too for the first time that he’s horribly exposed, and it’s a miracle no-one’s spotted him moving and put him down with one last shot. He can’t hold back a grunt of pain, and stuffs his knuckles in his mouth to muffle any further sounds.

“Jensen, listen to me!” Clay’s voice is urgent and serious, and Jensen forces himself to listen. “Can you get somewhere safe?”

‘Somewhere safe’? Does Clay realise where the fuck he is? ‘Safe’ right now seems a stupid and impossible word. But Jensen is a soldier, and this time he forces himself to fight through the rising panic in his mind. Avoiding his damaged shoulder, he raises himself on the other, and tries to peer around. Everything is fuzzy, like the world’s gone out of focus, and though Jensen blinks and squints he still can’t see shit. 

“I dunno,” he mumbles, feeling stupidly helpless, like a toddler left to fend for himself. “My glasses are gone, I can’t see.”

“Just move,” Clay orders, and though Jensen can’t bear the thought of moving right now he knows he has to, or die. He grunts a reply through the mike, and tries to haul himself off the ground. His right shoulder is gone and his ankle is dead, but at least they are on opposite sides of his body so he can manage some sort of a bastardised cross crawl, scraping along by pulling his good arm on the ground and pushing upwards with his right foot. 

He tries to keep as low as possible, but he’s still horribly aware of how vulnerable he is and waits for the inevitable bullet to smash through his flesh. But none comes, though he can hear gunshots zinging around him, and he crawls on. He hardly knows where he’s going, and hopes like crazy he’s not crawling straight into an enemy stronghold. Inch by agonising inch he heaves along the ground, his useless right arm dragging through the sand, but he can’t feel anything below the elbow so he doesn’t care. The pain is multiplying with each second, and even without glasses he can see the red stain of blood blossoming down his fatigues. He refuses to look down at his ankle, not sure if he wants to see. 

His comforting bank of computers and equipment suddenly seems an entire planet away. He’s not a crybaby, he really isn’t, but the tears force their way out of his eyes no matter how hard he tries to hold them back. Suddenly, to his utter relief, he sees a wall through the fog, and with renewed energy he heaves himself towards it, and then around the corner. To get there he has to navigate around the bodies of three dead soldiers, and then the tears of pain change to tears of relief that they are enemy soldiers and not Cougar, Pooch or Roque. 

“I have eyes.” Cougar’s voice breaks through the mess in Jensen’s brain, and it feels like heaven. 

“Cougs?” he mutters, hardly able to speak, but the sniper understands and repeats. 

“I have eyes on you. You’re safe. Stay there.”

Jensen collapses against the wall, nearly sobbing with the pain and the relief and the stupidity of it all. He’s vaguely aware of other voices on the comms, and an argument of some sort, but he doesn’t pay attention, because he’s safe now and surely someone is coming for him. He closes his eyes. 

He blacks out, and he’s not sure what wakens him. There’s gunfire around him, booms and explosions, and the smell of metal and gunshot and blood and death is so thick he almost suffocates. Everything is still fuzzy, and everything still hurts. He feels weak, like he’s trapped in quicksand, and when he tries to move his good arm to a more comfortable position it moves so slowly he’s not really sure it’s actually moved at all. He longs for sleep and oblivion, but he’s not programmed to give up, so he forces his eyes to stay open. 

He sees it out of the corner of his eye, a shadow at best, and he squints in desperation, hoping with every cell in his body it’s not the enemy. He thinks about playing dead but it’s too late, he’s been spotted, and the shadow creeps towards him. His breath is caught in his throat and his hands are shaking, because it looks like this is finally the end, but then at least his pain would be over, though he hates to leave Jessie and Maddie on their own. He slams his eyes shut, not wanting to see death coming, but then the shadow is beside him and there are hands on his chest and head and desperate Spanish in his ears. 

“Cougar,” he whispers, and he can’t help it, the tears splash down his cheeks like rain. The hands are running over him, checking for injuries, and one probes his shoulder wound. The pain is white hot and rips through his body. A hand clamps over his mouth to muffle the scream, and when Jensen’s eyes fly open he makes out Cougar right there, concern and worry etched on his battle-weary face. 

“Come,” he says, and stands, but Jensen’s not going anywhere. His body won’t respond to the smallest direction and he can barely speak. Cougar bends down though, and Jensen feels himself rising, and then he’s over the sniper’s shoulder, wondering how the fuck the wiry Mexican can run and hold him up at the same time. He says nothing and clings to Cougar’s jeans, watching the ground rush past beneath him. He feels like he needs to puke. 

Jensen loses track of the route they take, but he supposes that’s the point, trying to confuse anyone who might be following. Cougar stops every now and again, and Jensen feels him raise his arm, and hears the shot. He peers down at the bodies as they pass, blood pouring from holes in the skin and eyes wide open and helpless, and he thinks _that could be me_. But it isn’t, cause Cougar has him, slung over his shoulder like a sack, and he’s trying desperately to not vomit down the back of the sniper’s jeans. 

He feels Cougar starts to sprint, and knows he’d only do that if he was sure they were in the clear, so the others must be close. Darkness folds around them as they enter a building, but Cougar doesn’t stop running, and then they are out the other side and Jensen hears the idle of a Jeep and the shouts of his teammates. Cougar stops and Jensen feels strong hands grip him from above, and Roque is hauling him along the bed of the truck. He thinks _thank god_ and lets himself slump against Cougar, who probably did one of his Mexican ninja leaps to get in before Pooch slams his foot against the accelerator and they are out of that bastard hole like a bat outta hell. 

Someone is forcing his head down, and he obeys, although the pain is ripping through him now like tidal waves of torture. He feels Cougar’s body above him, and realises the sniper is protecting him, but what’s another bullet hole when it means Coug won’t be harmed? He can’t move though, so he stays where he is, cheek against the cold steel of the truck bed. 

The sound of gunfire fades away, and there’s no noise but the rushing of wind and the thump of tyres moving over sand, but he listens with every fibre of his being for the vehicles that are bound to follow. There’s nothing though, no helo’s, no jeeps. They stay down for another mile, just in case, and by the time Cougar hauls Jensen back to sitting he’s so white even Roque doesn’t make a smartass comment. Clay is there, cutting through the leather of his boot with one of Roque’s deadly knives, and Jensen is just plain grateful his foot is still there. Even without glasses the sight of mangled flesh and blood and white bone is sickening, and he looks away, swallowing hard to keep down the bile. 

Cougar is tying his scarf around his shoulder, trying to stop the rampant flow of blood. Jensen wonders if there’s any left inside him, or if he’s wearing it all on his shirt. Clay is wrapping his jacket around his foot, and Jensen suddenly feels disconnected from the pain, as though he’s watching him bandage up someone else’s leg. It’s odd, to think that just an hour ago he was whole and healthy and pumped, and now he has holes in his flesh and bones poking out and he looks like someone out of ‘Hostel’. 

The jeep is slowing, though it’s too soon for them to have made it back to anywhere safe. They pull into a lot full of cars, and it takes less than a minute for Pooch to commandeer a new truck to make sure they really can’t be followed. They leave the jeep where it is, doors wide open and blood splashed over the bed. Cougar and Roque haul him down and over to the truck, but before they get there he can’t hold it back any longer and makes them stop. He vomits once, twice, and then again, it’s mostly blood but at least he feels better when he’s finished. His head lolls to his chest and he lets the two Losers drag him again, up into the truck. 

Jensen passes out against Cougar and doesn’t feel them hurtling down what passes for a highway in Afghanistan, doesn’t feel the arms that hold him up, or hear the frantic Spanish prayers in his ears.


	2. Chapter 2

This time, when he wakes, there’s sterile white walls, albeit canvas ones, blinding lights above him, and a mattress that seems to be making like wood. His vision is still fuzzy, but he can’t raise his hand to check the table beside his bed for a pair of glasses. As it is, he can just barely tilt his head to the side, and he sees a vaguely Cougar-shaped shadow slumped in a chair. He smiles drunkenly, and promptly passes out again.

*

He filters in and out of consciousness for four days. He half remembers bright white lights, unsympathetic nurses who like to poke him with sharp needles, never-ending thirst, a dull throbbing everywhere and the shadow of a man wearing a cowboy hat.

*

On the fourth day he wakes a short time after lunch. This time, his eyes stay open, and his brain stutters into gear for the first time in what seems like years. He becomes aware that he’s on a base, somewhere, in a tent rigged as a hospital ward. He stares at the roof for a while, exhausted unlike anything he’s ever felt before, but reluctant to sleep again. His throat is sore and swollen, but it’s nothing compared to the ache that pounds away in most of his body. 

He tries to speak, but the only thing that comes out is a sort of grunt, followed by a wince of pain as his throat spasms. The roof is suddenly gone as someone stands over him, and now all he can see – well sort of – is Cougar, his cowboy hat firmly perched on his head and long brown hair swirling down around his face. Cougar cracks a smile as he realises Jensen has finally woken. 

“Bienvenido de vuelta.”

Jensen doesn’t pretend to understand, so smiles instead, pleased to see the world has been restored to some sort of normalcy, even if he feels like he’s been dropped off the side of a cliff. He’s too exhausted to sit up, and in any case he doesn’t think that would be a wise idea, because his head is swirling so badly he’s surprised it’s not flying around the room like a bird. 

Cougar disappears, which Jensen isn’t pleased about, but there’s shit all he can do about that, especially considering his voice seems to have been left behind in that hellhole. He closes his eyes and tries to get his head to stop spinning, but that only seems to make the bird flap its wings faster. When he opens his eyes again, he sees the unmistakable face of Pooch hanging over him. The driver breaks into a smile as he sees Jensen’s blue eyes staring back. 

“Goddamn he _is_ awake! Only been four days, brother.” 

_Four days? Christ in a tree._

Pooch disappears and then it’s Roque, glaring down at him, and Jensen wonders if he ought to apologise for getting himself shot. But then Clay is there instead, and he’s smiling, so everything must be ok. 

“You got shot.” _No shit, Sherlock._ Jensen just stares up at him. “In your shoulder and your ankle. Another bullet grazed your hip. You’ll have one hell of a scar. You lost so much blood the doctor was surprised you weren’t dead. They patched up your shoulder and your ankle. Don’t even think about walking for the next few months.”

_Few months?!_ Jensen thinks seriously about going back to sleep until Christmas. At least his foot is still attached. Sort of. Clay disappears and Jensen finds himself staring at the canvas roof again, wishing he had his glasses so he could focus.

He gets poked and prodded by a doctor, and inserted with all sorts of fun-looking needles and painkillers, and gets another warning about no walking, but judging by the pain in his ankle Jensen doesn’t think they have to worry about him making for the border on a pair of crutches anytime soon. Pooch makes him drink a glass of water which goes down like honey, but he isn’t allowed any more. It’s still all a bit weird and fuzzy, like he’s an android, going through the motions, but everybody else seems to know what to do so he goes with the drug-addled flow. 

“Your glasses are gone.” Clay’s leaning over him again. “We couldn’t find a spare pair in your gear. Your sister is sending a pair over but no-one seems to know when they’ll get here.”

_Friggin’ beautiful_. It’s unnerving, not being able to see properly, and Jensen feels vulnerable and helpless, because anything more than a foot away from his face is blurry as all hell. It sounds rough, but he’s almost grateful when the others leave him to let him rest, because he’s tired and sore and getting a bit pissed at the world in general, and thoroughly fucked off that his ankle is going to take so long to heal. If they weren’t already dead, he’d go back and kill the bastards who shot him all over again. 

Cougar’s hung back though, and Jensen doesn’t mind. Cougar’s his best friend, unlikely as it might be, considering they’re as different as black and white. But they understand each other, and that’s more than what Jensen can sometimes say about the other guys in the team, even if they do have each other’s backs. So he lets himself relax, and close his eyes, and the painkillers start to float him away on a little cloud of bliss. He’s feeling pretty damn good when he feels the bed dip, and feels Cougar beside him on the bed. The sniper doesn’t say anything, just sits there, and Jensen doesn’t mind. In a rare moment of straight-thinking he realises that if it was anyone else he’d be pushing them off, but then the clouds float him away for good and he doesn’t realise that Cougar doesn’t leave at all. 

*

It takes a couple of days for Jensen’s brain to get with the program. His voice comes back and the others know he’s ok when he talks for three hours straight without stopping. Normally they’d all be threatening to kill him by the one hour mark, but they are all so glad Jensen’s made it out alive they let him ramble on about the crappy food and the hard bed and how there are 40,320 ways to arrange Santa’s eight other reindeer if Rudolph is leading the pack. The painkillers don’t leave him alone either, and Jensen spins off into a tangent at one point about pretty purple butterflies floating on the roof and the velociraptor in the bed next to him and even Roque has to stifle a rather manly giggle. 

Cougar doesn’t leave his side, not even to find a semi-decent bed to sleep in, and it doesn’t go unnoticed. Clay even orders him to kip in the barracks but Coug just sits there and glares until the Colonel is forced to give up or consider an untimely death. Jensen’s grateful for the company, though he doesn’t say because he can’t find the words. Cougar’s willing to sit and listen to him rambling on in the middle of the night when he can’t – or won’t – sleep, and call for the nurse when the pain gets too bad, and he crawls on the bed and is warm and comforting until the morphine kicks in. They don’t talk about it, of course; even if Cougar was more of a talker, it’s just not something you talk about in the army. 

And when the others arrive for their daily visits Cougar’s always back on the chair, and not half-sprawled on the bed like he spent one night when even the morphine wasn’t enough to drive the pain and nightmares from Jensen’s head. He can’t stop thinking about being in that place, surrounded by corpses and wondering when death was going to claim him. He came so close to dying he was surprised the only bright lights he saw were the ones in the hospital tent. The part of him that liked to compartmentalise and order all the bad things they’d done to the place in his brain he tried never to remember was losing to the part of him that reminded him every time he closed his eyes that _you nearly died, you stupid fuck!_ It was the closest he’d ever been to being 6 feet under and it scared the crap outta him. 

Cougar’s the only one who knows something’s wrong, and in an unspoken agreement with Jensen he doesn’t spill a word. Jensen manages to smile and joke his way through a routine visit by an Army psychiatrist six days into his hospital stay, and passes dubiously before lapsing into the worst nightmare he’s had so far. Cougar holds him down while he shakes, and muffles the moans and gasps that force their way from the back of Jensen’s throat. When he wakes in the morning, his hand is still clenched in Cougar’s. 

*

His glasses arrive one day, the box still wrapped in brown tape, but there are pink daisies scrawled on the outside in coloured Sharpie and it makes him smile when he recognises Maddie’s drawing. There’s a letter inside too, from his sister, and there are wishes for him to get well and a promise to kill him if he damn well goes and gets himself shot again. Jensen can’t help smiling as he reads it, his brand new glasses perched on his nose, and he tells himself his eyes are watering because they are still getting used to seeing again, not because he misses the hell out of his family and feels like crap for making Jessie worry. 

Later that night, Cougar prises the letter from Jensen’s fist as he sleeps, and lays it gently on the bedside table so it doesn’t get ruined when Jensen turns over. 

*

There had indeed been a bullet lodged in his shoulder, but they’d never managed to find the bullet that mangled his foot. Pooch tells him as much as they sit outside one day, Jensen in a wheelchair and Pooch on a folding chair he’d acquired from somewhere that Jensen strongly suspects he shouldn’t have been. Cougar had been forcibly removed to shower, eat and sleep, and it was only Jensen’s plea to do as much that stopped the Mexican from killing them with his pinkie. 

“You nearly died, you know,” Pooch says cheerfully, lounging back in his chair, a can of Coke clenched in his fist. “We got you here so fast I think I may have broken the land speed record, but man, when they took you out…” he shakes his head, “you were the whitest man that ever lived. I think Cougar had more blood on his shirt than you had left in your entire body.”

Jensen shivers despite the heavy desert heat. He remembers the image of crimson creeping down his fatigues and the vague thought that maybe some arsehole had shot his damn foot off. 

“He saved your life, you know. Twice.” Pooch was looking at Jensen now, rather pointedly, not that he knew why. “First, when he defied Clay’s orders to get you. I swear to god Clay was spitting venom over the comms but Cougar went for you anyway. We were all pinned down on the other side of the compound. Roque set off as many explosions as he could to try and draw the enemy in and away from you. But still, Cougar must’ve shot 10 guys to get to you.”

Jensen can’t say anything. The words get stuck, in his brain and in his mouth, although they probably wouldn’t have done him justice if they’d found their way out anyway. 

“Then, at the hospital,” Pooch continues, “you had lost so much blood they didn’t have enough left. Cougar was the only one of us who was compatible with your blood type. He gave you two units of blood that first day and another the second. I think the safe limit is one unit every 55 days. Crazy Mexican bastard.”

Jensen tries to hide the tears that are prickling at his eyes by staring anywhere but Pooch. “Fuck,” he mutters, not sure what to say. Pooch shrugs and downs the rest of his Coke. 

“We were all worried about you, Jensen, but Cougar… he’s loco.” Pooch fades into silence and shakes his head, and after that, no-one speaks. 

Jensen thinks it all a bit fucking nuts, Cougar risking his life to save him and then giving him what had to be nearly half the blood in his body. It makes no sense, that level of devotion, but what really rocks Jensen is that when he thinks about it, he’d do exactly the same fucking thing for Cougar. 

*

It doesn’t change anything though, him and Cougar. The sniper is still his best friend and still sticks to him like glue. Jensen, though, in an appropriately serious moment that are few and far between for him, thanks him quietly one night, and the smile that radiates from Cougar’s face is just about worth the pain and frustration Jensen has been going through. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Bienvenido de vuelta” - google tells me this means 'welcome back'.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait between chapters! I ended up partially re-writing this chapter because I didn't really like it, and I still don't like it that much, but I think more than anything it's really a bridge between two different parts of the story. I will try to post the next chapter soonish to make up for it :).
> 
> Thank you to everyone who left a comment or kudos or even just read it - I really appreciate it! :)

Ten days from his re-entry into the big bad world and Jensen's just about dying. He wants out, even if it means scorching sunlight and sand in places it should never ever be. Even the doctors and nurses are sick of him, though Jensen doesn't blame them, not really. He even thinks about sending them flowers, but he doesn't think the local village has a florist.

Ten days he's been stuck in a bed, watching the canvas walls around him roll in the winds that tend to bring masses of dry, dusty sand. He can feel the grit in his teeth, grinding against enamel every time he tries to eat. He contemplates making a break for it, but even Cougar gives him a disapproving look before he goes back to cleaning his gun with one of Jensen's bedsheets.

The doctor writes up Jensen's early discharge when Jensen dismantles his IV machine and makes it into some sort of extra-terrestrial robot. Jensen promises to put it back the way he found it, but it never quite works the same again. 

He's thankful to be out of there though, 'cause the place was really cramping his style. 

*

They move him into the same tent as the rest of the team, and it takes nought-point-two seconds for Roque to tease him about the wheelchair but, as always, Roque doesn't mean anything by it, so Jensen laughs with him. He can’t have crutches because of his arm, so he gets his wheels for a while. Now that Jensen has his own part of the tent, he vows to never take a thin canvas sheet for granted again. They could complain about being surrounded by material with not a wooden wall in sight, but they are black ops soldiers and they learnt a long time ago that anything beats spending 5 days in the jungle with no change of clothes. Jensen has a comfortable stretcher and the blankets are softer, so he promptly thinks he’s died and gone to heaven. 

It gets even better when, without a discussion, Roque picks up Cougar’s barely used stretcher and drops it alongside Jensen’s. 

“Now you can actually sleep lying down,” he says to Cougar gruffly, but everyone smiles, even Roque. 

Later that first night, Cougar pushes it closer so their stretchers are side by side, and Jensen falls asleep with Cougar’s arm wrapped around him. For the first time since the incident, Jensen sleeps through the night. 

*

By the fifteenth day, Jensen’s somewhat mastered his wheelchair and tries to entertain the troops by attempting wheelies with one hand. He ends up in the sand more than once, but it doesn’t dampen his spirits, so after heaving himself back in he keeps trying. Clay reckons it’s because he’s bored, and lets him have his laptops back. There’s no power source in the tents, so he spends most of time now in the mess tent, having bribed a cook with episodes of Sons of Anarchy in exchange for a power point. Cougar joins him sometimes, watching silently over his shoulder while he cleans his guns over and over. 

Jensen knows the others are bored, on account of him being trapped in plaster and bandages and all. He feels bad at first, but the others brush him off, knowing damn well it could have been any of them. Brass makes them work for their living anyway, sending them off as reinforcements or backups for other teams. Jensen doesn’t let them know, but when they are gone he can’t do anything but lay on his cot, wide awake, his paranoid Black Ops brain simulating disaster after disaster. He wants them to come back, can’t rest until they come back, all of them, healthy and free of holes. It’s ridiculously selfish but he doesn’t know what he’d do if any of them didn’t come back. Especially Cougar. 

*

Jensen pretends he doesn’t know when the team is scheduled to come back, acts like he just happened to be in the area when their Humvee rolls in. They’re dusty, and a bit sandy, and Roque smells like he needs a shower _yesterday_ but they are all standing on their own two legs and Jensen doesn’t count any bullet holes, so this is an automatic win. Clay rolls his eyes when he sees Jensen, parked up in his wheelchair, the one with purple and pink pipe cleaners wrapped around the handles. 

“What you doing out of your pen, Jensen?” 

“I was… trying to get better wi-fi reception?” It’s as lame as a dead duck, and he knows it, but he sees the smile trying to sidle sideways out of Clay’s mouth. 

“Uh-huh. You aren’t careful, we’ll take you with us next time. Roque can strap your wheelchair to the roof.” Clay knows he’s said the wrong thing when Jensen’s face lights up and he bounces, just a little. “Or maybe not,” he adds hastily, and grabs his bag and makes for safety before Jensen can suggest they strap him into the chair while it’s on the roof. 

Pooch just slaps him on the head for a greeting, but Jensen grins like he's drunk, and Roque steers clear, hopefully heading for ablutions. Jensen can only hope he showers before they all have to share a tent together that night. 

“Cougs! How was the desert?” he asks cheerfully, scooting his wheelchair back and forth, and trying not to wince when his shoulder protests. 

“Hot,” the sniper says abruptly, chucking his bag into Jensen’s lap as he slings his gun over his shoulder. He grabs the gaudy handles of the chair and pushes, listening silently to the outpouring of happy babble that seems to surround Jensen wherever he goes. 

“…and then it started bubbling purple froth, _no idea_ how, honestly, news to me and all that, but you should have seen them Cougs, they got out of there like their balls were on fire, and you could hear ‘em shrieking from 4 tents down, not very manly…” 

Cougar just grins. He’ll never admit how much he misses the chatter, the nonsense that Jensen has an abnormal talent for spewing forth. They make good together, him and Jensen, he the silent one and Jensen all talk, and it might be strange but it works. Those four days that Jensen didn’t talk at all – those were the days he’ll never forget, no matter how much he tries. 

*

Jensen’s out of his wheelchair now, hobbling around on crutches, his shoulder somewhat functioning. He’d wanted to keep the wheelchair, for posterity if nothing else, but they made him give it back, and then they made him take off the pipe cleaners. 

So his crutches are laced with blue and yellow electrical tape, and Jensen tells anyone who asks that they are only there because he has a habit of forgetting which crutches are his. No-one asks who else in his tent has crutches, which is good because he can’t answer that one, and it just goes to show how the heat addles your brain until there’s not a cell left to even remember your name. Clay pretends that Jensen isn’t in his unit, but it’s not the first time and Jensen stopped being offended a long time ago. 

Cougar helps him out with the exercises the physiotherapist has given him to improve his shoulder, so every day they sit in the tent for an hour while Jensen jabbers on and Cougar appears to be the only one concerned with actually getting something done. Maybe it’s because the exercises push the boundaries of his current functioning, so sometimes it _fucking_ hurts and maybe Cougar just doesn’t understand. Jensen realises how silly that is though, because if anyone can take pain it’s the Cougs. He never asks though, and Cougar doesn’t say anything embarrassing when Jensen groans through the pain. 

He wants his arm back though, _dammit_ , because even though the feeling is back in his hand and he can type nearly as fast as he used to, too much work makes his shoulder ache like a motherfucker and it’s frustrating having to stop to let it ease. The others don’t give him any sympathy when he whinges, maybe it’s because he’s, you know, _whinging_ but maybe it’s also because they have all been there, done that and it always gets better. 

So he waits it out, and as he does, his ankle gets better and one day they even take the plaster off. His skin underneath is pasty and white, even more pale than he normally is, and the ankle looks a bit shrunken but the scars from the operation have nearly healed and it looks a right sight better than it did with blood pouring out of it in the bed of a truck. He doesn’t get time to admire it though, before they wrap it again and they even let him choose the colour. 

He shows it off when he gets back into the tent, and Roque calls him something unprintable for having a pink bandage around his foot. Clay just seems happy that Jensen is on the mend, not least of all because he’s been fielding calls from superiors who just think he ought to pick another techie and get back out there properly. They don’t get why he refuses, and grumble when he says he’s not leaving Jensen behind, but they take it because The Losers do a damn good job and have saved their arses on more than a few prime occasions. He doesn’t mention it to the others though, who’d probably get very righteous on Jensen’s behalf. Clay doesn’t think he can take that kind of heat right now. 

Then one day brass gives up, and concedes that Clay ain’t gonna pick a new nerd, and so they are suddenly scheduled on the next flight Stateside and they have less than an hour to pack their bags. It doesn’t take long though, because they have been living out of their bags for over a month now, so all it takes is gathering up the random stuff and shoving it in the first empty space they find. Jensen’s computers take a little longer, so Pooch and Cougar help him, and they find themselves burdened with the equipment while Jensen scoots on his crutches alongside them. He’s excited to be going home, to see Jessie and Maddie again, because he knows how much they have been worrying about him and he misses Jessie’s very American blueberry pie. 

It’ll be nice to have a proper bed, and reliable wi-fi, and air conditioning. The thought is so nice he nearly drops a crutch, and Cougar growls. Pooch talks about Jolene and how much she’s gonna kill him, but he says it with such affection Jensen is touched. Cougar is silent, and Jensen is hit with a nasty feeling when he realises they have been talking about their families in front of a guy who doesn’t have one.

Jensen’s never asked what happened, because even though he can talk the arse end off a bull he’s not that stupid. If Cougar had wanted them to know, he would have told them. So he shuts up, because he can’t seem to think of anything else, and Pooch gradually gets the point. Cougar looks shut down, but Jake’s gotten pretty good at reading the silent language he speaks, and it’s the nuances that give him away this time. He’s a bit sad, but whether that’s because they are splitting up or he feels remorse over his family is, right now, a bit beyond Jensen’s grasp of Cougar’s personal language. 

Jensen makes Cougar sit next to him on the plane, like always. It’s a comforting and reassuring presence, though Jensen knows he’s being irrational about that. Cougar can’t fly a plane nor does he have wings, so even if they did go down the best Cougs could offer would be a smattering of Spanish prayers and a death grip on his hand. 

Cougs keeps his favourite gun with him, as if it’s some of talisman, though Jensen knows better than to provoke hard-ass Special Ops soldiers about talismans and superstitions. They all have them, and it’s not because they never grew out of believing that crap about lucky rabbit feet. In the heat of battle, when the next bullet might be destined for you, it can be the only tangible thing worth clinging to. 

Jensen thinks Cougar loves his gun more than he loves anything else in the world, and at the same time he thinks that’s both sweet and a little disturbing. Jensen loves his laptops too, but he stowed them away carefully, wrapped in the last supply of bubblewrap on base that hadn't had all of its bubbles popped. It’s a long flight, and bumpy, and when the turbulence starts flinging the plane around like it’s a beach ball in the wind Jensen just closes his eyes and pretends he’s on a roller coaster. He thanks his lucky stars he doesn’t get motion sickness, because he knows there are a few newbies down the back that are probably starting to look a bit green right about now. 

Cougar checks to make sure his gun ain’t going anywhere, and then checks Jensen too, just in case, and the techie feels his belts draw tighter across his chest. He hears Cougar checks his own and wonders, as he always does, if one day he could quit worrying about the turbulence and check Cougar back. That’d be nice. Then the plane swoops downwards like a bird diving for a fish, and Jensen feels like his stomach got left behind in the rush, and he can’t help it, he clings to Cougar’s hand like a dying man clutching his priest. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have tweaked the age of Jensen's niece a little bit, for the purposes of the story :)

They make it, all in one piece, but as always, when Jensen unhooks himself from his straps he wonders why he bothers with this freaking job when it involves rattling around in airplanes that make like they are about to fall out of the sky all the damn time.

He thinks he probably looks a bit green too, just like the newbies who must have used up all the sick bags down the back. As it is, he’s a bit wobbly, and Cougar waits for him to regather his legs. The grate surface is no good for crutches so the wiry Mexican has his gun and Jensen’s crutches in one hand and the tech in the other as they stumble out. Jensen makes it down the ramp without falling over, and feels like kneeling over and kissing the tarmac when he finally reaches solid ground. 

The cool air is sweet on his face and he closes his eyes as his inner ear tries desperately to settle his equilibrium. He feels like he’s swaying from side to side and tries to convince himself that it’s just the residual effects of the turbulence when Cougar calls out in surprise and drops everything – _even the gun_ – to clutch his upper arms and stop him from falling over. Jensen opens his eyes in surprise and clutches back as he realises he really is swaying like a palm tree in a tornado. 

“Whoops…” he mutters, and tries a new footing, and pokes his tongue out at Pooch who snorts with laughter when he passes by. “Fuck you Pooch.” Pooch flings a finger up over his shoulder.

“I’m good, I’m good…” Jensen tries to convince himself, though it’s not working on Cougar – it never does. The Mexican narrows his eyes. “Seriously, Cougs, I’m not going to fall over.” He gets a raised eyebrow in return and gives up.

It takes a few minutes for the fuzziness to clear, and the next time Jensen opens his eyes the horizon is straight and doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. Cougar relaxes his hold slowly but it takes a while longer for Jensen to relinquish his, because he’s suddenly lost confidence in his feet. They seem to be doing something entirely different from what he’s telling them, which really isn’t fair, because the last time he checked it was their job to do what he told him. 

Cougar passes up his crutches and retrieves his gun, and with a couple of extra legs Jensen feels ok to start walking. He notices the others have already unloaded all the gear – including his cases of laptops and gear – and suddenly feels bad he and Cougar have been getting all touchy feely when they should have been helping. He must have looked contrite because no-one flings an insult or even a look, though maybe Cougar and his gun had something to do with that. 

*

Jensen perks up on the short drive to the main base. It’s another 2 hour drive from the base to his sister’s place, and he hasn’t quite figured out how they are going to get there, but likely he’ll and Cougs will just hire a jeep from the civilian pool and promise to return it later. Still, they are so close he can nearly smell Jessie’s double chocolate chip cookies. He gets so cheerful about it Roque threatens to send him back to hospital, but not even Mr Grumpypants can ruin his good mood today so he just grins and starts singing. 

They part ways at base. Clay says something about a stack of paperwork taller than Cougar’s secret supply of Hershey’s bars and trudges off to find a mad-bitch secretary to ‘help’ him with it. Roque doesn’t say where he’s going, he never does, but Jensen is pretty sure that he’ll just end up back again wherever Clay is after hitting a few strip clubs and being banned from a few others. 

The Pooch has Jolene waiting for him, and she starts admonishing him before he even gets within earshot, but he’s so deliriously happy to see her he ignores her complaints completely and bounces over to hug her to death. 

“Aww, that’s kinda cute,” Jensen coos as Pooch nearly knocks her over. “Promise me you’ll never hug me like that in front of people we know.”

The look Cougar shoots him could burn a hole in metal, but Jensen is immune to Cougar death-rays by now and pretends not to notice. 

There’s the small matter of finding a vehicle to deal with, so Jensen starts off for the vehicle pool before Cougar grabs his arm and stops him. Jensen turns in confusion. “What? We gotta find a jeep, man. You wanna walk?” 

Cougar says nothing, just tilts his head in the opposite direction with a slight smile on his face. Jensen looks up, confusion on his face, but it turns to utter delight when he sees Maddie running towards them, her pigtails bouncing on her shoulders and a grin the size of Memphis on her face. Jessie is following behind, a little more sedately, but still she seems pleased to see them. 

Maddie crashes into Jensen’s legs, knocking the crutches from his grip and sending them crashing to the ground, but Jensen keeps his feet and wraps his arms around the blond bundle of excitement. Jessie reaches them and hugs Cougar first, nearly knocking his hat off, but Jessie is one of the very few people in the world who can do that and survive, so instead of threatening her with grievous bodily harm he just grins and hugs her back. 

Maddie climbs into Cougar’s arms, and playfully tugs the hat back down over his eyes so he can see nothing but darkness. She giggles like crazy and tugs on his ponytail, and Jensen thinks he’s going to die from the cuteness overload. Jessie gives him a hug and a kiss, and retrieves his crutches from the ground. 

“Not that I’m not pleased to see you, but what the hell are you doing here?” Jensen is confused, not a new state for him, but unless Jessie has developed ESP something funky’s going on. 

She gives him a strange look. “Cougar phoned me and said you were coming home on the next flight. So here we are.”

It’s Cougar’s turn to be the recipient of a strange look, but he’s busy making Maddie giggle and doesn’t pay much attention. Jensen’s even more confused now, because Cougar didn’t say he’d phoned Jessie, and why does Jessie get the benefit of an actual Cougar conversation and he doesn’t? It’s no time to be dwelling on this now though, because Jessie wants to be back before it’s dark, and they still have to see how many of Jensen’s laptops will fit in her car. 

*

Jensen thinks he’s too happy to be going home to fall asleep in the car, but he manages it anyway, and Cougar gives him a nudge when they turn into their street. Jensen awakes with his head smushed into Cougar’s shoulder and what feels like drool on his chin, so he hurriedly wipes it away and pretends to be alert. Jessie and Maddie share a giggle in the front seat as Cougar just smiles. Jensen’s pretty sure Cougar’s smiled more in the last few hours than he did the entire time they were away, but he’s not complaining. 

“Home?” he asks intelligently, but no-one answers. 

The security lights on the front of the house switch on as they roll into the driveway, and as the light pierces the dull gloom of dusk, Jensen feels a touch of nostalgia. It’s always good to be home. At home, nothing seems to change, even if Maddie does tend to grow a bit, but home is always there, and Jessie always seems to have cookies cooling on the bench. 

The car gets unpacked, the laptops tugged up to Jensen’s room, and Cougar’s guns are locked away in the gunsafe. Cougar always seems a bit, well, _naked_ without his gun, but Jessie refuses to let him carry it around, and for good reason, so home is where Cougar locks all of that away. 

Cougar’s had a room at Jessie’s now for 3 years, after she tired of him sleeping on the couch. Jensen brought him home his first leave after joining the Losers, and he’s come every time since then, though she refuses to see it like a lost puppy following a friend – if anything, Jensen is the puppy, always two steps behind Cougar, always there. 

Jensen collapses onto his bed like he’s never getting out of it again, quite content to snuggle in and stay forever. It’s soft and comfortable and _familiar_ , and familiar is good, familiar is safe. His posters are still up on the wall, those same posters that Jessie clucks at every time she enters his room, but she never takes them down when he’s away so they mustn’t be that bad. The biggest one is of Captain America, because he’s not ashamed to admit he still reads comics, dammit. And so what if he has a particular fondness for Cap?

He’s tired again, and the urge to sleep washes over him, but Maddie skips in the room and flings herself onto the bed next to him. “Heyyyy Maddie,” he drawls, too tired to open his eyes. 

Maddie starts bouncing up and down. “Mommy says dinner is ready, and you have to come down and eat, but first you have to wake up and get clean and please take your boots off.” 

Jensen grins despite himself. He _is_ hungry, after all. “What’s for dinner?”

“Macaroni cheese and garlic bread.” She bounces a little higher. 

Jensen groans into his quilt. She had to go and make his favourite – now he’s got no choice but to get up. “Give me a minute…”

“Uncle COUUUUGGGARRR!” Maddie shrieks, and Jensen covers his ears with his hands as he winces. 

“Not in my ear!” 

Maddie is entirely unapologetic and starts to climb on his back, which wouldn’t be so bad but it seems like she ate a few extra cupcakes while he was away. Jensen realises he’s losing a battle against a six year old, and considering his job it’s slightly humiliating, but then Cougar comes in to save him so it’s ok. He lifts Maddie off his back and sets her down on the ground, telling her to wash her hands and they’ll be down at the table in a minute. 

Jensen feels Cougar sit on the bed next to him, but doing what he can’t guess. He decides to ask him a question instead. “Why do you talk to Jessie and Maddie but not me?” he mumbles. It’s a question he normally wouldn’t dare to ask Cougar, but he’s a bit sleepy and not all there, so that’s his excuse. 

Cougar stops moving, so Jensen knows he’s heard. He’s silent for a while, and Jensen finally realises his question might not have been appropriate. It’s enough to make him sit up. 

“I’m sorry, forget about it, it’s ok…”

Cougar holds up a hand, and Jensen finally sees that he isn’t angry, if anything just a little amused. He cocks an eyebrow at the sniper. 

“Because you understand me. I don’t have to talk. Jessie and Maddie, they don’t understand so much.”

Jensen just gapes, because that’s never occurred to him before, but it makes sense. He smiles too, because for the first time he realises just how close he and Cougar have grown over the years, and though it’s a little sad to think, Cougar’s probably the first real friend he’s ever had. No-one ever really had time for the nerd that wrote notes in binary and wore Star Wars costumes even when it wasn’t Halloween. 

They sit on the bed for a minute for so, Jensen trying to think of something to say that conveys how much he gets it, but even Klingon isn’t helping here and his tongue twists over everything that he might say. Cougar just sits there, but there’s a ghost of a smile on his lips and Jensen finds himself concentrating on that rather than anything else. 

Jessie interrupts as she roars up the stairs that dinner is getting cold, and the silence is broken so suddenly it’s like it never happened, and Cougar pulls Jensen off the bed and pushes him towards the stairs. 

*

The first couple of days they spend just lounging around, although Maddie insists Cougar carry on with the Spanish lessons they started last leave. Jensen lies on the couch with his leg propped up on a cushion, and listens to the two of them, bent over a Dora book on the floor. He watches Cougar as he helps Maddie, still amazed at this other side of the bad-ass Mexican ninja sniper he thinks he knows so well. 

He’s relaxed and attentive and _happy_ , and so damn good with kids Jensen thinks it’s really a pity the guy doesn’t have any of his own. He wonders if Cougar had brothers and sisters, and suspects somehow that he did, but that’s a whole lot of hurt that Jensen isn’t going to poke so he leaves it alone. 

The television is on and there’s a documentary about war ships on, and normally Jensen would be attached to the screen like a tweener watching Justin Bieber but for some reason he’s just quite content watching his niece and Cougar. It’s ridiculously middle-class America, their distorted little nuclear family in suburbia, in their nice little house with the picket fence out front. Ok, so Jessie doesn’t have a picket fence, but metaphorically, it’s there. The smell of double chocolate chip cookies is wafting through from the kitchen, and Jensen can hear Jessie banging around while she sings to Katy Perry, blasting from the radio on the window sill. The French doors to the back yard are open, and though Jensen can see right through to the neighbour’s back yard where he seems to be gardening shirtless, it’s still somewhat idyllic. 

Cougar looks up from where he’s trying to get Maddie to count backwards in Spanish and catches Jensen’s stupidly content gaze, and he offers an easy smile back that Jensen can’t help but return. All perfectly lovely really, and it’s such a blessed change from canvas walls and heavy heat and sand and gunfire that Jensen thinks that maybe all that belongs to someone else who occasionally likes to inhabit his body. But one thing is the same here, and that’s Cougar. 


	5. Chapter 5

Jensen is having a Bad Day. It started with waking up and discovering rain pounding against the glass and the wind roaring through the trees outside like a hurricane, and got worse when his shoulder started to pound like he’d gone 4 rounds with Precious McKenzie. Nothing helped, not even the industrial strength painkillers Pooch had procured from somewhere that he swore could knock out a horse. It’s the cold and wet of course, and Jensen swears like a scalded sailor after checking the surrounding areas for vulnerable ears.

Jessie tries to cheer him up with pancakes, but they are out of chocolate chips and well, pancakes just aren’t the same without chocolate chips. He eats them anyway, not in a foul enough mood to let down his sister, and leaves Cougs to the washing up while Maddie heads off to school and Jessie to work. Five minutes later he’s curled back up under the covers, trying to ignore the throbbing ache in his shoulder. 

*

Cougar wakes him up viciously by slamming open the curtains, and Jensen swears into his pillow. 

“Couuu _ugggsss!_ ” he whines, pulling the blankets back up around himself. He doesn’t know how long he was asleep, but it wasn’t enough to cure the pain in his shoulder. It comes back in a rush and he groans, twisting it to see if it helps, but it doesn’t of course. 

“Here,” Cougar says, and tosses a couple of packets onto the bed. They aren’t the painkillers he got from his doc or from Pooch, so he picks them up and squints at the writing before Cougar sighs and passes him his glasses. 

Jensen, being Jensen, skips the brand names and goes straight for the ingredients. “Naproxen sodium and… ketoprofen.” Jensen purses his lips and nods. “That’d do.” 

He shrugs off the blankets and sits up, and Cougar passes him a glass of water. He chokes down the recommended amount and another couple, just because he can, and the pills stick in his throat and leave a nasty aftertaste but he’ll try anything so he doesn’t care. Cougar doesn’t leave him be when he downs the pills though, and makes a motion for him to get up. 

Jensen looks horrified. “I am _not_ getting out of bed!” He pulls the sheets up under his chin and glares at Cougar, who just sighs and rolls his eyes before yanking the blankets off the bed completely. 

“Cougar!” he yelps, the cool air an assault after the warmth of the bed. Cougar doesn’t look chastised one bit, and Jensen realises he should just settle for being grateful he’s actually wearing underwear for once. Cougar tosses him a clean shirt and a pair of trackpants, and Jensen knows better than to argue and pulls them on, grumpy as he is. 

Cougar turns to leave but waits for Jensen at the door, and he realises he’s supposed to follow. He doesn’t bother to argue, because he never wins against Cougar, and sighs heartily instead. “Fine. But I’m still taking the blankets.”

*

Jensen finds himself down in the living room with Cougar, and then his bad mood vanishes like it never existed when he sees that painkillers weren’t the only things the sniper got for him. There’s a bag from the DVD rental place on the coffee table, and bottles of Jensen’s non-alcoholic favourite, Dr Pepper, his favourite candy (Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups) and popcorn, and it’s Jensen’s idea of heaven right there in one room. 

He spins around to look at Cougs, who's got a wry smile at the corner of his mouth, and for the first time Jensen notices that the ends of his hair are damp and dripping onto his shirt, which he’s clearly changed because he wasn’t wearing blue this morning, it was definitely green. And then Jensen realises that Cougar went out in the pouring cold rain to _make him feel better, dammit_ , and he suddenly feels horrible for grizzling. 

“Cougar… you rule.” It’s the most eloquent thing Jensen can muster, but it works, because Cougar smiles, properly _smiles_ , and it lights up the room like a chandelier. 

Cougar has a movie in the player already, and they slump on the couch together, feet up on the coffee table because Jessie isn’t home to tell them off. Jensen’s into the popcorn before Cougar can even push play. 

Jensen recognises Tropic Thunder and gives a whoop of delight. “Cougar, you are awesome, and I take back every bad word I ever said about you. Not that I said very many bad words, because you scare me sometimes and I like my skin attached to my body.” It’s an odd way to thank somebody, but the Losers have it down pat like an art form and Cougar beams again. 

*

Halfway through the movie, Cougar steals under the blankets too, and Jensen happily lets him, and eats another Reese’s Cup. 

*

Jensen is happy to report the painkillers seem to be doing their job, and makes a note to tell Pooch his ‘horse-strength’ pills aren’t worth the paper bag they came in. His shoulder still aches a touch though, and he keeps it loose by rotating the joint. He knows the ache won’t truly go away until the cold does, but until then he can do his best to keep the pain down. The movie is a great distraction, and Jensen realises how much he misses this when they are away, just being able to chill out and relax with a good movie. 

Jensen doesn’t realise he’s rubbing his shoulder until Cougar pulls his hand away. He looks over in confusion, but the Mexican isn’t looking at him. Instead, Jensen suddenly finds himself rearranged on the couch, having abruptly been swivelled to face away from Cougar. There’s a click of a lid being opened, and the clack of it being shut, and before Jensen can turn to see what the heck the sniper is up to there’s a hand under his shirt and on his shoulder that doesn’t belong to him, and it’s full of icey cold gel that smears over his skin. He gasps at the chill and the contact, but Cougar massages the gel in and it warms up. He forgets the movie as Cougar rubs the ache away, gentle hands knowing just where and how to touch to make Jensen squirm with pleasure. 

“Stay still,” the Mexican growls, and Jensen complies for a moment, but not even a full sixty seconds has passed before he forgets and starts wriggling again. Cougar has magic hands, Jensen decides, and doesn’t protest when the sniper moves to rub the rest of his back too. Damn, if he’d known Cougs was this good at massages, he would have pressed him into service a hell of a long time ago. 

Cougar gets annoyed at the shirt and takes a moment to push it up over Jensen’s head, and the tech obediently grasps it and tosses it to the floor. It’s easier now for Cougar, who rubs Jensen’s neck and the top of his arms and even down to his waist. Jensen’s face is screwed up at just how good it is, and through the haze of painkillers he hopes the wind doesn't change any time soon.

When Cougar finishes Jensen groans with disappointment, but the sniper is done and settles back down on the couch. Jensen pulls his shirt back on and marvels at just how much better his shoulder feels, and decides he’s going to make Cougar give him a massage every day until it’s back to normal. The poor guy doesn’t know what he’s in for. 

“Where the hell did you learn to do that?” Jensen asks, a little surprised that Cougar hadn’t mentioned it before. 

The sniper shrugs. “Didn’t learn. Just do it.”

It’s typical Cougar, gruff and straight-forward, and Jensen just says “Huh. Ok then,” and yawns so badly he nearly cracks his jaw. “Shit,” he observes, and promptly yawns again. “Cougar, what the hell was in those pills?”

“Painkiller?” Cougar offers, and Jensen bats him with a hand. 

“No shit Sherlock.”

Cougar doesn’t reply, but he does snake his arms around Jensen’s waist and pull him down gently, until the tech is lying on his chest. Jensen doesn’t protest, just goes with the flow, and Cougar is a pretty comfortable pillow for a guy. Cougar’s arms stay around him and Jensen doesn’t quite know what to think about that, because their version of chilling on the couch together usually doesn’t involve cuddling. It’s nice though, laying there, listening to the weather outside, and Jensen decides there are worse places to be. He pulls the blankets up over the both of them, tucking them in, and he falls asleep with his head tucked under Cougar’s chin and the sniper’s hands clutching his arms. 

*

He’s not sure how long he’s slept before he wakes up again, but he’s still pressed into Cougar, who seems as dead to the world as Jensen was just a moment before, so he tries not to wake him. Cougar’s hands have slipped off his arms in his sleep, and Jensen pulls them around himself again before closing his eyes and drifting back to sleep. 

*

When he next wakes he’s by himself, head on the arm rest, blankets tucked under his chin. Cougar is nowhere to be seen, but someone has cleaned up the coffee table and turned off the movie they never finished. Then he hears low murmurs from the kitchen and realises Maddie and Jessie must be home, so he tosses off the blanket and plants his feet on the floor. He rises rather unsteadily, but he gets there in the end, and he feels comfortably tired and warm and his shoulder doesn’t ache at all. 

The others are all in the kitchen, and Jensen leans against the doorframe, watching Jessie and Cougar drink coffee and Maddie with her hot chocolate and marshmallows. Maddie spots him first and her grin lights up the room, and she pushes herself off the chair to sprint over for a hug. 

She clutches him around the waist and he hugs her back, catching Jessie’s smile. Cougar’s looking over the top of his coffee mug, and it’s not Maddie pressing her head against his stomach that makes it flip. He’s not sure where to look suddenly, so he leans down to press a kiss to Maddie’s forehead, and watches her run back to her hot chocolate. Suddenly keen to be doing something with his hands, Jensen pours himself a coffee and swipes a marshmallow, and wishes there was something to talk about. Because all he can think of right now is lying with Cougar, and where it seemed perfectly comfortable and normal on the couch he suddenly realises how intimate it was. He doesn’t do intimate like that, and he sure as heck doesn’t do intimate with a guy. Cougar’s different, of course he is, but he’s still Jensen’s best friend. And he’s a guy. 

Jessie doesn’t seem to realise anything’s a bit off though, and asks Jensen how his shoulder is, and at least Jensen can say with perfect honestly it feels great. He can thank Cougar for that, and he does, albeit almost shyly, as if he’s not sure what Cougar’s thinking either. Cougar just shrugs one shoulder and smiles, but Jensen knows that’s Cougar-speak for happy and a bit humbled. He drops the subject. 

After dinner Jensen finds himself helping Maddie with her homework. He swears kids are getting smarter these days; he can’t remember doing such complicated maths when he was at school. Or maybe they did that stuff on the days he wagged. He even resorts to a calculator, which is sacrilegious all on its own, and the first thing Jensen does is that silly calculation that ends up spellings ‘BOOBIES” but upside down. He thinks about showing Maddie and then thinks better, cos Jessie will have his head. On a stake. With tomato sauce and herbs to garnish.

It’s late evening before Jensen finds himself alone with Cougar again, after Jessie excuses herself for bed. They don’t say anything, just stay where they are and watch American Dad, and Jensen wishes, as usual, that he could draw like that. He thinks he’d probably be alright with all that cartoon stuff. 

Cougar’s quiet, not that that’s unusual. And it’s not like he’s avoiding looking at Jensen, so maybe it’s just him with the problem and Cougar didn’t see anything wrong with it at all. Not that there was anything _wrong_ with it per se. Jensen was just more used to girls, that’s all. It was all terribly confusing. 

*

The next day things seem back to normal, although Jensen had strange dreams of cowboy hats and guns and couches, so maybe that’s his unconscious telling him he hasn’t quite forgotten. Cougar’s in a good mood though, and it rubs off, and they make breakfast together with Maddie, just the three of them. The weather has cleared up, and Jensen’s shoulder is still ok, and he’s ditched the crutches properly for the first time since the incident. 

His foot is still bundled in plaster and pink bandages, though maybe not quite so pink anymore, not after he let Maddie near it with a pack of coloured Sharpies. Strictly speaking he shouldn’t be walking on it proper, but Jensen’s never been one to follow doctor’s orders. It’s good to be somewhat mobile again, although it’s still unnerving to know he’s not as quick as he normally is. He is Black Ops, after all, and they’ve learnt that anything can happen, any time, and to always be prepared. Having a plaster cast on one foot tends to hobble one's getaway attempt. 

There’s little to worry about out here though, not in the middle of picket-fence suburbia when they are off duty. He wonders, not for the first time, what the others are doing with their time off. Clay is probably still knee-deep in paperwork, if he hasn’t ditched it for a crazy woman, and Roque… well Roque could be anywhere. Jensen just normally doesn’t ask where he goes. It’s a delicate situation. Pooch is with Jolene of course, doing perfectly normal domestic things like washing the dishes and mowing the lawns and hot-wiring the odd car or two. _And good for him_ , Jensen muses. _At least one of us is normal_. 


	6. Chapter 6

The days pass, and he gets on with things, but the dreams don’t go away. Now he can clearly see Cougar in them, and even in his dreams he gets a funny feeling that lingers in the bottom of his chest and somewhere in his stomach. He’s not sure what it is, because he tells himself he’s over the Cuddling Incident, and has now accepted it was perfectly normal, and nice, thank you very much, so it's time for his damn brain to catch up and just freaking let it go.

It all gets painfully real one night. It’s late, and Jensen’s in bed, but he can’t sleep. He tries a few extra painkillers, but his mind is going a million miles an hour. He thinks about code and tries to count processors, but nothing helps. He falls back on an old stand-by, one he can’t really engage in while on duty, because it’s _really_ not something he’d want to be caught doing. 

He shrugs his boxers down over his knees, and then off completely, and apparently he’s on the right track because he’s suddenly half-hard. One hand grasps his dick and the other clutches at his thigh, and before long he’s got a nice rhythm going that makes him arch his back and gasp out loud. A little too loud maybe, cos Cougar is just in the other room, and the walls aren’t totally soundproof. His hand moves a little faster, twists up over the head of his cock, and there’s precum leaking down the shaft. His mind flickers back to Cougar though, which is silly because he was only thinking of him for half a second. He shuts it down and goes back to working his dick. It doesn’t help, and Cougar’s face flickers up before him, and apparently it doesn’t matter that it’s all a figment of his imagination because his body goes _‘oh hell yeahhh!’_ and suddenly everything is magnified a million times. 

This isn’t good, it really isn’t, because he’s jerking off to the thought of his team mate, his best friend, but it feels really, really fucking good and he just can’t stop. One hand circles tight at the base of his cock to slow his orgasm while the other swirls over the head and down the shaft. He can feel it building, deep down inside him, and then his traitorous mind flashes up an image of Cougar’s mouth on his dick, and it’s all fucking over as he explodes. It’s so good it’s almost painful, and Jensen groans through it, not bothering to muffle himself because right now it’s just virtually impossible. 

He lies there shaking, belly covered in cum, and thinks, _oh fuck_. 

*

It’s a bit awkward for Jensen the next morning. He’s a bit confused about the whole ‘jerking off to your team mate’ thing, and to top that he isn’t sure if Cougar heard him last night. He gets at least one answer when Cougar smirks at him under his hat, and Jensen knows that grin and turns bright red before substituting a grimace for a smile. At least he didn’t call out Cougar’s name when he came. Or did he? Jensen promptly freaks out, but quietly. 

Cougar doesn’t say anything though, and sits next to Jensen to eat his breakfast. Jensen tries not to look at him, but he’s finding it harder than he anticipated, because Cougar is wearing a white shirt that sits perfectly on him and it looks fucking fantastic. What do you say to that? _Morning Cougar, that’s a hell of a shirt and you look amazing, oh and by the way when I came last night I was thinking of you?_ Jensen keeps his mouth shut. It’s the hardest thing he’s ever done, and Jensen once hacked into the World Bank. 

*

If Cougar realises the storm that’s raging inside of Jensen right now he doesn’t say. Jensen supposes he’s grateful for it, because it lets him gather his thoughts without someone poking in to make it all even more of a mind fuck than it already is. 

You see, Jensen isn’t gay. This, he keeps telling himself. He’s never been with a guy, never even kissed a guy, and even if his relations with females were never anything to write home about that didn’t mean anything. But somewhere along the way he’s fallen for Cougar, and damn hard too, and he’s a guy so it makes no sense what-so-ever. 

This all makes for a terribly confused and worried Jensen, and he retreats into his computers to try and make it right. 

*

Apparently his dick still thinks quite highly of Cougar, and now every night the only way he can sleep is to fist his way through it. He doesn’t berate himself anymore for thinking of Cougar, because he just can’t _not_. So it’s Cougar’s face and Cougar’s hands and Cougar’s mouth he sees, and he imagines hands on his body and on his dick, working him through. One day it’s a particularly good session, and there’s precum all over one hand as he lets it slide down between his legs without really thinking about it, and then he’s probing at his entrance and _fuck_ but does it seem like he likes it. He’s fingered himself before, purely for experimental sakes, but it wasn’t that great and left him sore. This time though there’s none of that, and the precum eases the way as he slides a finger in, and the really dirty part of his brain can’t help but think it’s Cougar’s dick instead. It feels crazy good, and Jensen bites at his lower lip to stop the moans escaping. Before he realises it he’s using two fingers and his legs are shaking, and all he can think about is Cougar’s cock, and he can’t control the blabbering noises that fall from between his clenched teeth. 

It’s over before Jensen has time to have a proper ethical dilemma, and all he knows as he lays there trying to regain control of his breathing and his brain is that his whole world seems have fallen apart, and he doesn’t know which way to turn to start picking up the pieces. 

*

Jensen’s not a pervert, he really isn’t, but he once had a girlfriend who liked fooling around with, well, _mechanical_ things in bed, and he may not have gotten around to throwing them out when she left. He finds them again, in a box buried beneath a hundred others to prevent anyone else from finding them. His fingers are good, but the toys are better, and he turns off the part of his brain that is desperately telling him to stop this before it goes too far. He’s a man though, and testosterone beats synapses every time, so less than half an hour after he finds the toys he chooses the thinnest one and makes sure the door to his door is locked. 

It burns at first, even with lube, and Jensen grits his teeth but he keeps going. He breathes, and the burn eases. He’s hesitant and slow at first, trying to find the right angle and the right pace, but when he does the pleasure floods his body so suddenly he can’t stop the gasp that forces his way from his mouth. This is like nothing he’s ever done, nothing like he ever thought he could ever feel, and it’s shameful how quickly he comes, the illusion of Cougar on his mouth and his skin and his dick. 

*

It changes everything, of course it does, and Jensen can barely look Cougar in the eye without a rush of red staining his cheeks. His paranoid brain shrieks warnings every time Cougar looks at him, as if Cougar knows exactly what is going on with Jensen. It’s an unacceptable situation, because Jensen doesn’t want his stupid body and its stupid turn-ons to destroy whatever he has – this _thing_ – with his best friend. So he cracks awful jokes like he usually does, and stuffs himself with Jessie’s cookies, and avoids any situation with Cougar that involves close contact or, god forbid, meaningful looks. 

*

It’s Maddie that calls him out on it first, and it just so happens that Cougar is in the room with them, and it’s so painfully awkward Jensen just wants to _die_. He stutters when Maddie asks him why he doesn’t like Cougar any more, the words dying in his throat before he can even think of them. Cougar is watching him too, and Jensen finds himself locked in a stare, which is never good because _no-one_ wins a staring contest with Cougs. The thing is, Jensen knows he’s been being stupid. And he knows damn why, too, but it’s nothing he can talk about with to Maddie. For one thing, she’s just way too young to understand crushes and love and relationships, unless you’re talking Barbie and Ken. Or Ken and Ken. 

He isn’t spared by a fortuitous lightning storm or the earth opening to swallow him up. Maddie doesn’t even get called into the kitchen to help with dinner, and Jensen is still sitting there with his mouth half open and his eyes locked with the man he’s recently found himself head over heels with. Alien invasion, tornado, zombie apocalypse… Jensen would settle for any of those right now. 

“I still like him,” Jensen manages eventually, because he figures he needs to say _something_. 

Maddie sighs and looks at him with clear doubt in her eyes, and this isn’t fair, she’s six for Christ’s sakes, she’s not _supposed_ to be perceptive. Hell, Jensen’s at least four times as old as her and he still doesn't have a clue. 

“Then why don’t you talk to him anymore?” she asks bossily, as if Uncle Jake was being particularly dim. 

“I do,” Jensen whines, and his face feels like it’s on fire. He can hardly tell his 6 year old niece what’s really going on, because it would probably screw her up for life and Jensen’s enough of a fuckup already.

This whole time Cougar just sits there, silent and creepy, and Jensen can feel his eyes on him. He hates that it’s come to this, hates that he can’t talk to Cougar the way he used to because the Mexican reduces him to a quivering mess of testosterone and serotonin. 

This time, Maddie even crosses her arms. It’s ridiculous. Jensen feels himself slump like a deflated balloon. He can’t see a way out of this, and it’s not like he can say what’s really on his mind. At least, not without scarring Maddie for life. 

It’s Cougar who saves his arse, who sees how defeated and morose he looks as he gets his metaphorical arse kicked by a pint-sized kid. Cougar has always had a way with her, and this time he smiles at her and tells her to go help her mommy, Jake and Cougar are still friends and there’s nothing to worry about. 

Maddie knows he’s not telling the whole truth, but Cougar is practically her hero and she’s never talked back to him or defied him before, and she’s not about to start now. She spares one last glare for the both of them and then stomps to the kitchen, letting them both know she’s not happy with either of them. 

Jensen slumps back onto the couch with a dramatic sigh, flinging his arm over his eyes. It’s as much a typical reaction of his as it is a way to block out Cougar, but it’s too much to hope the Mexican leaves him alone. Instead, Cougar sits beside him on the couch, not close enough that they touch, but Jensen feels him anyway. These days, he always does. 

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles from under his hand, too much of a coward to look Cougar in the face. He doesn’t know what to expect – a telling off, the silent treatment (the silent _silent_ treatment, which is akin to 8 months isolation in Siberia), maybe Cougar will just find the whole thing silly. Yeah right. 

He sits there for a few moments, wondering if he ought to say something else, because it appears Cougar isn’t going to, when the shape beside him moves and there’s a hand on his thigh as Cougar rises to stand. 

“It’s ok, _cariño_ ,” Cougar whispers, and stands over Jensen for just a moment before he brushes a hand over his cheek. Then he’s gone, and Jensen is a puddle of confusion and helplessness on the couch. 

*

Jensen’s not really sure if that whole thing really helped anything. He’s even more confused than ever, which he doesn’t like at all, because Jensen prefers to just be blissfully ignorant to things that may cause confusion. Cougar may as well wear a question mark around on his head for all Jensen knows these days. He googles ‘carino’, although it takes him a while to figure out how to spell it. It’s pathetic, really, but he’s so desperate for anything to help wrangle him out of this mess he forgives himself for clutching at straws. Google gives him everything from pretty to nice to darling, which really isn’t helpful at all, but at least it isn’t spitting out translations like idiot, or dickhead, or ‘leave me alone you sick twisted bastard’. 

Cougar smiles at him, one day, bright but soft, and Jensen thinks his stomach may have actually rolled up in a ball and squeed like a fangirl. 

Maddie is still grumpy at him. 


	7. Chapter 7

Jensen gets over himself enough to ask Cougar to come with him to an appointment with a specialist to see if he’s over his pesky bullet wounds. His shoulder hardly aches anymore and he barely limps these days, and damn if it he isn’t surprised that the army hasn’t caught on already and sent him back out to get shot at again.

He wants Cougar to come because the sniper hasn’t missed any of his appointments so far, and going without him would be like going on a date and leaving your pants behind. Cougar just smiles as Jensen fumbles his words, and it’s like everything is suddenly ok with the world again. Jensen just wishes like hell it was.

Jensen’s nervous, sitting in the waiting room like a kid scared of being jabbed with a needle, but Cougar is, as always, the very essence of serenity under his cowboy hat. To the sound of a marching band in his head, Jensen jigs his foot on the floor and twists his hands in his lap. When he was at school his teacher thought he was ADHD, and it’s an opinion that his sister never quite managed to ditch either. 

The clack of his boots on the floor is loud in the waiting room, but it’s just them and the receptionist behind the desk, who’s probably heard far worse and ignores them completely. Cougar smirks under the hat and reaches out a hand to clasp Jensen’s knee, forcing him still out of sheer surprise, and the hand stays there until the doctor calls Jensen for his turn. 

*

Jensen blabbers in the car on the way home, mouth running a mile a minute as he talks about everything and anything that pops into his head. Cougar just smiles wryly as he drives, his mind filtering out what doesn’t matter and registering what does. It’s a functional system, and it allows him to hang around Jensen without having to attempt to kill him. 

The bandage around his ankle is gone and Jensen feels a little strange without it, like someone’s painlessly removed one of his body parts. He tells Cougar as much, then tells him about the convenience store they just passed that someone got shot at a few years back. He talks about the birds that wait until the last possible millisecond to move before they flee the path of the car, and the trees that are just beginning to fade into shades of orange and brown. Anything to avoid the elephant sitting in the backseat.

Jensen shuts up when they pull in at home, and Maddie rushes out to meet them, shrieking about the missing bandage and waving a paper bag full of chocolate cookies. Cougar laughs because Maddie is so like Jensen it’s almost impossible. He watches Jensen crouch down to wrap his arms around his niece, and something in his chest twinges, because even with all the shit and baggage their job gives them, Jensen’s got something pure and honest to come home to. Something to keep him real. Cougar lost that a long time ago. 

Maddie stands up again and stares at Cougar, almost determinedly, and he cocks an eyebrow back. She marches over to him and gives him the bag of cookies, then slides her tiny hand within his. Cougar has only a second to share a confused look with Jensen before Maddie has her uncle in her other hand and is pulling them towards the door. 

“I drew you something at school,” she announces. “I want you to see it."

Jensen just shrugs and follows, and Cougar lets himself be pulled along. The inside of the house is quiet, but not for long, as Maddie takes them into the kitchen and their footsteps echo on the tiles. She drops their hands suddenly and thrusts a piece of paper at Jensen before smiling shyly and dashing off out the door. Jensen’s left holding the paper, and he squints at it before realising it’s upside down. Cougar peers over his shoulder and sees a picture emerge as Jensen turns it, a carefully edged drawing of two men in an army camp. It’s Jensen and Cougar, and Jensen has a pink bandage on his ankle and there’s even crutches on the ground, and Cougar has his cowboy hat. They’re smiling, happy looks on their faces, far happier than they normally are when confined to camp. Cougar hears Jensen take in a breath, and it’s a moment before he realises she’s drawn them holding hands. 

*

The peace offering of cookies gets partly dunked in hot chocolate and devoured on the couch while Jensen watches the rest of Tropical Thunder. Neither of them mentions the drawing, and Jensen thinks the elephant is now so large it needs its own wing of the house. There’s no massages or cuddling this time, and Jensen leaves his blankets firmly on his bed, but Cougar still sits next to him on the couch. Jensen lets the movie take him away as the hot chocolate warms him to his bones.

*

Jensen’s mind keeps him up that night, and he’s too ashamed to try what usually alleviates that problem. He resigns himself to a night of little rest, and lets his brain float into that state where it kicks into a steady gear and chugs along in the background, letting him drift in half-sleep. He’s aware of waking fully every hour or so, like there’s something out there in the darkness that’s watching him, but there’s nothing there, of course, and he gulps for breath and lays down again. 

He gives up at 3 o’clock in the morning and pushes the bedcovers away as he slides out of bed. The floor is cool and still beneath his feet and he tries to avoid the squeaky floorboards as he creeps out of the room. There’s moonlight gliding through the windows in the hall, and the silver stream lights the stairs as he climbs down slowly. He thinks about cold coke in the fridge and maybe a finger of rum to go with it, because he’s off his meds now, mostly anyway, and it’s been a while since he’s tasted the sweet burn of alcohol down his throat. 

He freezes on the bottom step though, because there is someone in the living room, and they aren’t making a sound. _This is it_ , Jensen’s over-stimulated brain says. It’s about time all that Black Ops shit came back to haunt him. Jensen wishes they could have waited until his ankle was 100% though, so he could at least run, or _something_. He’s in that awkward stage of healing where he doesn’t even have a crutch to batter someone over the head with. 

“ _Cariño?_ ” someone asks in the darkness, and Jensen knows that word, knows that voice. Relief washes over him like a tidal wave. 

“Cougs? What are you doing up?” Jensen asks, still immobile on the bottom step. 

“Come,” Cougs says instead, and Jensen obeys, of course. He limps over to the couch, barely avoiding the coffee table in the dark. He slumps down beside Cougar on the sofa, his shoulder protesting. 

No one speaks, not for a while, and Cougar is just leaning forward as he sits, so Jensen can see his profile in the moonlight that snuck down the stairs while he wasn’t watching. Cougar’s beautiful, but Jensen doesn’t say that, _thank god_ , just keeps it shut up in his head where it belongs. Maybe he’s learning, or maybe he’s just dreaming. 

There’s something in Cougar’s hand, a piece of paper maybe, and Cougar’s studying it like it might disappear if it doesn’t. Jensen doesn’t ask, just sits up so he’s leaning against Cougs, and rests a head on his shoulder. Cougar doesn’t move, but he does sigh, just quietly, and in the dim moonlight Jensen can see it’s a photo. There’s Cougar, in the middle, and two people who must be his parents, because there is a definite resemblage, and a girl who could be Cougar’s twin on his right. It’s his family, Jensen realises with a bolt to his stomach. It’s Cougar’s fucking family, and Jensen’s never seen them outside of this photograph. 

Jensen thinks about his parents, about his mom who tried hard, she really did, but she just didn’t get what a parent was supposed to be, and his dad, who just never even fucking tried. They sucked as parents, and Jensen spend half of his childhood jealous at the kids who had family who actually cared about them, but _shit_ , at least he had family. There was Jessie, and now there is Maddie, who Jensen loves more than he thought he could ever love another human being. 

Cougar swallows, and Jensen feels the motion in their joined bodies, and slides a hand around Cougar’s other shoulder. 

They sit like that for a moment, and then Cougar puts the photo down on the coffee table and turns until he’s facing into Jensen, and they are closer than they have ever been. Cougar’s sad, Jensen can feel it, and he wraps his other arms around him and they lay back against the couch, with Cougar buried in Jensen’s neck. Cougar doesn’t cry, he never has, not even when those dirty Russian bastards had him and were torturing him. He doesn’t cry now, but Jensen wishes he would, because crying, no matter how bad it feels at the time, always makes you feel better. And he just wants Cougs to feel better. 

Jensen clutches Cougar until they both fall asleep, and in the morning Jessie tosses a blanket over them and tells Maddie to be quiet as she gets ready for school. 

*

They wake around noon, sun streaming through the open curtains, and it’s such a beautiful day Jensen wonders how he could have slept through half of it. But Cougar is still there, buried in his arms, eyes blinking open as he feels Jensen shift around him. 

“Good morning,” Jensen whispers, and doesn’t let go, because he really doesn’t want to. 

Cougar doesn’t say anything, but Jensen didn’t expect him to anyway, and then he closes his head into Jensen’s neck again and presses his lips to skin, just gently. Jensen shivers and closes his eyes, because holy cow that feels good, and he cards his fingers softly through Cougar’s hair. 

Cougar lies there for a while, just pressing his lips to Jensen’s skin over and over, and Jensen doesn’t want to move, because his limbs have turned to pleasured goo, and they just aren’t listening anymore. Jensen almost drifts off again, fingers still working through Cougar’s hair, but slowly they disentangle from each other and try to make themselves feel human again. 

Jensen showers quickly, but spares a minute or 5 to jack himself off slowly, the feel of Cougar’s lips on his neck still sending shivers down his spine. Cougar hadn’t said anything, just smiled softly and gone off to make pancakes, but it didn’t matter because holy Christ Jensen was hard. He spills over the tiles, hand braced against the wall as he moans, body tight and trembling. 

*

Jessie doesn’t say anything when gets home, but the look she sends Jensen asks a million questions, none of which Jensen has the answers for. She’s disappointed, but Jensen really doesn’t know what the fuck is going on, and a part of him selfishly wants he and Cougar to be alone so they can carry on figuring out what this _is_. Those lips were nice, dammit. 

They watch a movie after dinner, and Jensen and Cougar sit together on one couch while Maddie climbs into Jessie’s lap in the armchair. Jensen forgets what the movie is called, or even what it’s about, when Cougar’s hand grips his halfway through, and Cougar’s finger starts tracing patterns over the back of Jensen’s hand. 

*

Jensen can’t sleep again that night, and crawls out of bed around 1am. He hopes Cougar is downstairs, like he was last night, and Cougar’s voice comes through the darkness before he can even wonder. 

_“Mi amor…”_

Jensen doesn’t know what it means, and files it away to look up later. He follows the voice and slides down beside Cougar on the couch. 

“Can’t you sleep?” Jensen asks him quietly, and Cougar just looks at him back, eyes dark. 

“Can’t you?”

Jensen can’t say anything for a moment. “Not anymore,” he says, and looks away. 

“I hear you sometimes, in the night,” Cougar says, so quietly Jensen thinks he might have been dreaming it. 

“What do you hear?” Jensen asks, even though he’s pretty sure he doesn’t want to know, because what else has Cougar been hearing from his mouth but muffled moans and pants while Jensen was thinking of Cougar fucking him?

“Things,” Cougar says, and doesn’t elaborate, but Cougar rarely does.

“Things,” Jensen repeats, and wonders where this is going. But Cougar doesn’t speak again after that. 

They sit in the darkness for a long time, the night black and close around them, and watch the sunrise creep up over the horizon until the living room is filled with hazy light. Jensen falls asleep with his head on Cougar’s shoulder, breathing him in. 

*

They pass the nights like this for a week, with Jensen creeping down the stairs in the middle of the night to sit with Cougar on the couch until they fall asleep wrapped in each other. Jessie’s looks get more and more pointed, until one day she corners Jensen in the kitchen, where he can’t escape, even with all his training, though he does contemplating turning the table into a shield and escaping through the window after setting off a flour bomb. 

She crosses her arms and looks very stern, and Jensen hasn’t been this worried since he ate all her double fudge chocolate cookies before she got to try one. He shrugs, mouth working soundlessly, and dammit if she doesn’t start tapping her foot on the ground.

“What the hell is going on with you two?” she asks after a bit, and although Jensen doesn’t want to answer this question it’s still almost a relief that she asked it. 

He spreads his arms wide. “I have no idea. Is that an acceptable answer?”

“Are you sleeping together?” she asks bluntly, and that’s it, Jensen’s words have left his body and made for Mars in a little UFO made of tinfoil. 

All he can do his shake his head. 

Jessie sighs. “Jesus Christ, Jacob. I would have thought you two would’ve gotten to at least that point by now.” 

She leaves the kitchen, and Jensen’s just standing there making like a goldfish. 

*

“Jessie asked me if we were sleeping together.” It comes out, stupidly and in a rush, when Jensen’s brain has clearly switched off for the night and gone to bed, because it if it was working he would have surely managed to stop the words before they ventured anywhere near his lips. 

Cougar snorts though, and in the darkness Jensen can see his eyes, shining with laughter, and he doesn’t feel so stupid anymore. 

“Maybe we should be,” Cougar says, and lays down to sleep, and for the second time that day Jensen feels like he’s been slapped in the face with a very large, very wet fish. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Mi amor" = 'my love'.  
> Please note I do not know a lick of Spanish... if I screw anything up royally, please let me know! :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lack of updating! I have reached the point where I have run out of prewritten fic so it might be a bit slower from here on out :). Technically I haven't quite finished with this chapter yet and I could see it taking a bit more time so I have split it in half just to give you guys somethiing. However, next chapter = smut, hope that makes up for it :D. Hope to have it up by Xmas!

Jensen’s brain is so fuddled and mucked up he doesn’t venture downstairs the next night. He lays there instead, mind going in every which way but sane. He doesn’t know what he wants – _no, that’s a lie, he does know he wants, but he's lost all direction and nothing makes sense_ – and everything's going round in circles, with a couple of doublebacks and some pretty little diamonds chucked in for kicks, and just for something different sometimes it all stops and goes the other way instead.

He’s confused, and though that’s a state he finds himself in quite often it’s never been about something like _this_. He has no idea what to do, what to say, what to feel. He almost wishes for a mission, back in Afghanistan maybe, just so he can _stop. Fucking. Thinking_. 

At 4am his door creeps open, and Jensen should be concerned about this, but he isn’t because his brain is overloaded and something inside it has switched off the panic button and disengaged the alarm. It’s only Cougar, anyway, and the sniper closes the door silently before sliding under the covers with Jensen and wrapping him in his arms. 

Jensen sighs and suddenly his brain is empty, everything’s gone and it feels so much better now that the noise in his head is silent. Cougar’s heart is beating a rhythm against his hand, and he counts it softly, and before he knows it he’s in sync with Cougs; they're breathing together and their hearts are beating like one. He’s never experienced this before, and it’s special, it’s amazing. 

He doesn’t protest when Cougar’s mouth finds his in the darkness, and they kiss for what seems like forever, but it’s only a few hours until the sun slides into the sky and they drift off together. 

*

Jensen wakes with Cougar’s lips against his collarbone, tongue darting out to lick the soft skin. He sighs, and it’s utterly pleasant, waking up like this. His hands curl in Cougar’s hair, and his fingers pull gently as Cougar’s mouth finds its way to Jensen’s, and if Jensen wasn’t completely awake before he is now. 

Cougar is an amazing kisser, and Jensen's kinda wondering why he didn't do this earlier. He tries to keep up, tries to make it as good for Cougar as Cougar is making it for him, and he guesses it’s working because Cougar is making these beautiful little sounds at the back of his throat. 

Jensen doesn’t want to get up, not ever, but his bladder starts to protest and bring out the placards and Cougar laughs when Jensen squirms and has to slide out of bed with a frustrated thump on the floorboards. He tries to be as quick as he can in the bathroom, but then Cougar has to go too, and then they are both hungry and find themselves in the kitchen, where Jensen makes bacon and eggs. He nearly burns the eggs when Cougar distracts him by biting and sucking his earlobe, and Jensen’s legs just about give up on trying to support the rest of his body. 

“Fuck, Cougs,” he splutters, and feels Cougar’s body shake with laughter. 

It’s a miracle the food even makes it to their plates, but it does and they eat while watching daytime TV, and then they spend the rest of the afternoon making out like teenagers on the couch until Jessie and Maddie come home. 

*

Jensen’s happiness is bubbling over now, and Jessie peers suspiciously at him over her fork at dinner, brain not taking long to put two and two together as she watches Cougar and Jensen. Maddie is still oblivious, too young to understand, but she gets that Uncle Cougar and Jensen are happy and her smile is wide and bright. 

*

After dinner Jensen gets trapped in the kitchen again while Cougar takes Maddie upstairs to run a bath for her. 

“Well?” Jessie hisses, hands on hips and eyebrows nearly in her hair. 

“Well what?” Jensen asks, nervous, and starts eyeing up the flour pot. 

“Tell me!” she demands, looking frantic, and Jensen thinks he knows his sister a little too well to jump in there straight away. 

“Dunno what you're on about,” he sniffs, and starts to clear the dirty plates from the table. 

“Jacob!” she practically shrieks, and then all Jensen can see in his peripheral vision is a blur of blonde hair as Jessie rounds up on him. He suddenly realises that he had misread the situation and teasing her was a fatal mistake. He cowers under her glare and loses about 2 feet in height, and that flour pot suddenly seems like it's a mile away. 

“Ok!” he squeaks, and raises a hand in surrender. “We may have indulged in a little mutual mouth-to-mouth.

“Well you sure took your fucking time!” she exclaims, and Jensen just smiles weakly. “How long have you two been dancing around each other? Oh hell Jacob, you're the one who's been doing the fucking dancing, poor Cougar's been standing there waiting for you wake up and get a fucking clue! Poor guy, he could have had a fucking neon sign flashing above his head and you big idiot, you would have still ignored it!” 

Jensen's gaping now, still bent over, and he can't believe that he forgot that his sister could be the scariest motherfucking person in the universe when she wanted. Jensen's faced bombers, snipers, men with very big guns and several armies full of people with pure hatred in their hearts. But none of them - _none of them_ \- have put the very fear of God in him like this. He wonders, just for a brief moment, if she'd consider joining the army as their secret weapon.

“And this whole time” - she's still going, and Jensen just sinks slowly to the floor - “he's doted on you and nursed you and been so worried about you he's hardly been sleeping and you, you in your blissful little Jacob world just carrying on like nothing's changed! Why the _hell_ has it taken you so long?” 

Jensen's curled up in a ball on the floor.

“And please tell me you're actually going to _do_ something, not just play a little tonsil-hockey and then ditch him like that Anita-floozey you nearly dated in high school!”

Anita had the worst breath that anyone could possibly have and nearly suffocated Jensen everytime they tried to kiss, but Jensen thinks Jessie doesn't want to hear that right now, so he tries to find a Cougar-shaped happy place in his head instead.

“Jacob you can be a stubborn pig sometimes but God I am so fucking pleased you finally pulled your head out of your damn arse, so get your butt up here and give me a hug!”

Jensen does, eventually, and they end up hugging it out over a pile of dirty dishes.

*

It takes a while for Jensen to recover, but Cougar seems to understand and brings him a pile of homemade chocolate and peanut cookies. Not just a handful, but half the batch, and Jensen gets through 6 of them before he feels his muscles start to loosen just a tad. Cougar sits beside him on the couch and massages his shoulders, cookie poking out between his lips.

Jensen ends up falling asleep on Cougar and they spend the night on the couch, legs entwined so neither falls off. 

*

Jensen wakes first the next morning, bright sunshine streaming through the open curtains. Maddie's standing there, dressed carefully for school, blonde pigtails sticking out either side of her head. She has her Dora bag in one hand and her lunch box in the other, and Jensen thinks – not for the first time – just how adorable she is. 

“Good morning Jakey,” she says as cheerfully as the sunshine. “Why do you sleep on the couch now? Isn't your bed comfy? Do you want to sleep in mine instead?” Jensen feels Cougar smile against his neck where he's pressed up against him and has to resist the urge to do the same. 

“Uhhhh... nah that's ok sweetheart, really, you keep it,” he says, and then allows himself to smile. “My bed's fine, honestly.”

She looks like she doesn't believe him for a second. “Mkay then. Goodbye Jakey. Goodbye Uncle Cougar.” She gives them one more dubious look before she trots off, blonde pigtails bouncing against her shoulders. 

“I think we just got outed by a 6 year old,” Jensen says fondly, before laughing and turning around to flop into Cougar's chest.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so first of all very sorry for the delay in posting... writer's block together with a lack of time to write and another WIP which has taken over my brain meant that it took a lot longer than I would have liked to get this up. 
> 
> Also, I'm nearing the end of this fic. Another two chapters to go (or rather, at this point, one chapter and an epilogue). If there is anything anyone wants to see in the last part of the fic or anything they want cleared up or answered please don't hesitate to comment and let me know. I appreciate every comment I get and read them all, even if I don't always have time to answer all of them. If anyone has anything to suggest and it works for the story I will try hard to incorporate it :)

Jensen feels delirious, even more so than when he was doped up on every painkiller known to man. Cougar's like some sort of drug, an addiction, and Jensen just wants to breathe him in and drink him in forever, because now everytime they aren't together he feels like a piece of him is missing. The world just seems brighter now, like someone's turned on the colors, and he's not sure he was actually living before all this.

It's like nothing he's ever felt before, being able to trace Cougar's body with his fingertips and feel his heart beating under his skin. Cougar's hands glide over his back and through his hair, soft and gentle, and Jensen feels like his body has turned to electric goo, because every touch sends sparks through his veins and he's practically purring. 

As Cougar pulls him down to kiss him, again, soft lips against his, Jensen allows a brief moment to thank fuck they'd stumbled up the stairs to his room and into his bed because he could never forgive himself if Maddie came home from school to see this, the two of them half-naked and writhing against each other. 

Jensen's shirt is long gone, flung somewhere over by his wardrobe, and he can feel the slight sheen of sweat that decorates his chest already, but Cougar is so hot against him he isn't surprised. He kisses Cougar back, fast and desperate because he wants this, he _needs_ this like he's never needed anything else in his life. Cougar tastes him back and slides a hand around the back of his neck, slowing down the kiss until Jensen calms, and turns them until Jensen's back is against the mattress. 

Jensen relaxes under him, letting Cougar take control, because he doesn't think he can last two seconds in the state he's currently in. He lets his hands glide over Cougar's shoulders and down his back, and traces the hard coil of muscle under his fingertips. He's desperately aware that these are the same muscles that pulled the trigger that killed those men who would have caught him, the same muscles that carried him to safety, the muscles that he owes his life too. It makes him shiver, and Cougar whispers Spanish in his ears. 

Cougar sits up suddenly and frees Jensen from the confines of his jeans, and now Jensen can spread his legs and let Cougar fall between them. He's hard, so hard it hurts, and he arches his back with pleasure as Cougar licks his way down his chest and his stomach until he takes Jensen into his mouth and then the world disappears and all Jensen can see is starlight and moonlight, and all the planets that could possibly exist. He clutches at Cougar's hair and tries hard not to pull, and his teeth are biting his lip and Jensen can taste the coppery tang of blood. His lungs have stiffened and his heart is pounding a violent tattoo in his chest, and Jensen thinks, not for the first time in his life, _I think I'm dying_. 

Cougar is all wet heat around him, sucking and licking and touching and Jensen is falling to pieces, inch by beautiful inch. His whimpers are all that alert Cougar to the inevitable, and he comes with a rush, back arching painfully off the bed and fingers tangled around strands of brown hair. He can't breathe, he can't think, all he can do is _feel_ and he's exploding from the inside out, waves of pleasure tearing him apart. 

There are hands on his face and in his hair and he opens his eyes, painful as it is, to see Cougar above him, and Jensen's worried for a moment until he sees him smile. 

“You look beautiful, _mi amor_ ,” Cougar whispers, and Jensen drinks it in but makes a mental note to look up 'mi amor', though he thinks there's a good chance he'll forget (again) because his brain has suddenly turned to mush, along with the rest of him. Cougar gathers him up and Jensen is boneless in his arms, breathing him in. 

He almost falls asleep but he can still feel Cougar against him, hard against his thigh, and he lowers a cautious hand to wrap around his length as he moves up to press kisses to Cougar's lips. It feels strange, he's never done this before, but Cougar is enjoying it and Jensen watches him carefully to see what works and what doesn't. 

Cougar likes it when Jensen tightens his fist and moves slow, doesn't like it when he rakes his fingernails on the underside – _too sensitive,_ Jensen thinks, although he likes that himself – and when Jensen slips a thumb over the head of his cock he moans and bucks his hips, and Jensen runs with it. Soon, Cougar is kissing him back with a fervor that Jensen's never experienced before, it's almost bruising, and Jensen swallows Cougar's moans and cries and tightens his fist just a little more. 

Cougar bucks once, twice more, and comes over Jensen's hand, his body taut with pleasure. Jensen just watches, captivated, because he's made Cougar feel like this and such power is almost intoxicating. He kisses Cougar back to life, feels his body tremble under his hand.

There are no words, but there doesn't need to be right now, and Jensen just wipes his hand on the sheets and pulls Cougar close before they both fall asleep. 

*

They nearly sleep through dinner, but Maddie yells loudly enough through the doorframe to wake the dead and Jensen is awake and reaching for his gun before his brain clicks into gear and reminds him he's not in a warzone. He falls back against the pillows and winces at how sticky he feels, but on the other hand, he's naked in a bed with Cougar so things can't be that bad. 

Cougar's barely moved, still facedown on the mattress, and Jensen takes the moment to slide over him and wrap his arms around Cougar's middle. He hears a muffled grunt and feels the ghost of a smile on Cougar's cheek as he reaches down to kiss him. 

“Time to get up, sunshine,” he whispers, and Cougar tries to shrug him off but Jensen's too heavy. They end up wrestling on the bed, and Cougar wins, Cougar _always_ wins, although Jensen doesn't regret starting the fight when he's suddenly pinned with his wrists gripped hard above his head. 

“Can we continue this later?” he asks, deadly serious, because although he's never indulged in deviant play before this suddenly really appeals, and he knows his blood is beginning to rush south again. Cougar kisses him in reply and Jensen can tell he's just as keen, because he's not the only one hardening. 

But then Cougar is up off him and on the floor, and Jensen remembers that it's dinner time, and Jessie is gonna start getting pissed if they don't get down there stat. He's sweaty and sticky still, and not at all presentable for dinner, but he chucks on fresh clothes, washes his hands and face and kisses Cougar before dragging him downstairs by his belt buckle. 

*

Jensen wakes up properly halfway through dinner, and sees, finally, the smirk on Jessie's face. She spots him staring and jabs her empty fork at him several times, her smirk spreading so wide it's in danger of falling off her face. Jensen just pokes his tongue out at her. 

The day is long and hazy and so the sun is still twirling high in the sky after dinner, shadows lengthening slowly amidst the warm air. Maddie drags them all outside and before they know it, Jensen has the hose and Jessie is soaked from head to foot. 

She pretends to be livid as she launches at her brother, and Cougar and Maddie stand by and watch as Jensen fights a losing battle and ends up with the hose down the back of his pants. He's screaming bloody murder but Cougar's laughing too much to help, and he prances around the backyard for a good 3 minutes before he can get it out. 

It's all on after that and they all end up soaked from head to foot, even Cougar's cowboy hat. Jensen pours the water out of it and slams it on his own head, but forgets to look properly and he puts it on backwards. Cougar just shakes his head. Jensen runs around for a bit with it on his head, and Maddie chases him, and apparently she's very fast for a 6 year old because she runs him down after three laps. 

They end up in a tangle of limbs on the grass, fighting over goodness knows what, and Cougar just watches, smiling. Jessie joins him, water dripping down her face. “This is the last time I invite you two back to stay with me,” she says, and she doesn't mean a word, just like the last 6 times she's said it. 

Cougar laughs, louder and clearer than Jessie's heard for a long time. The smile stays on his face too, which used to be a rare sight, but she realises suddenly that she's been seeing that more and more lately. She doesn't say anything, just turns back to watch as Maddie punches Jensen's shoulders. 

*

Jensen and Cougar help each other peel out of their wet clothing and they leave each piece to try on the fence around the verandah, until they are left in nothing but underwear. Jessie chucked a couple of towels out of the bathroom window when she went in to give Maddie a warm bath, and they use them to dry off now so they don't leave water marks on the carpet. 

Jensen follows Cougar in, thinking stupidly about how he's seen Cougar naked now, seen exactly how he looks divest of clothing. It's a nice thought, though, really, even if he suddenly feels like a horny teenager again.

Cougar beats him to the shower, as usual, and Jensen rues that it's not big enough for them to share. He ditches his sodden underwear and lays naked on the bed, facedown. He slept for long enough before, so he shouldn't be tired, but all the same he falls asleep before he hears the water shut off. 

*

Cougar wakes him up slowly, and sinfully, dragging his tongue down Jensen's spine. He whines and shivers, because holy hell that feels amazing, but then Cougar's tongue is gone and when he turns over in frustration the sniper has turned his attention to the TV and there's a knowing smile on his face. 

Jensen just growls and has a very cold shower. 

*

When he comes back out again, Cougar is still naked and watching _Iron Man_ on TV. Jensen has the DVD and they don't need to watch it with commercials, but he doesn't say anything, just climbs under the blankets and snuggles up next to Cougar. Yup, he could get used to this. 

He prattles through most of the movie, mouth going a mile a minute, but Cougar puts up with it – he's the only person Jensen knows that will. Jensen has an inexorable need to talk, to communicate, and Couger lets him do it. If he isn't allowed to express himself, Jensen withers. 

By the time the movie's finished, Jensen has finally finished talking, but that's only because Cougar has found another use for his mouth. Cougar kisses him slowly, and Jensen just melts into him until they fit perfectly together, skin to skin. He can feel his heart pounding in his chest, like he's never done this before, but he very clearly remembers vigorous activity with Cougar that morning. Apparently the rest of him remembers too, because before long he's as hard as hell and arching against Cougar, desperate for more, desperate for friction. 

He doesn't want to stop kissing though, because it's really, _really_ good. If he knew kissing was this good he wouldn't have so often skipped this part entirely in previous encounters. Or maybe, it's just that Cougar is exceptionally good at it. Though, really, Jensen thinks, it's just because it's _Cougar_.

Cougar's hands are running all over him, over his back and down his thigh and around his hips, and Jensen finds himself grinding against the other man, kisses more ferocious than ever. Jensen reciprocates, sliding one arm up around Cougar's head so he can play with his hair, and the other hand glides down to stroke the small of Cougar's back. 

Then without warning, Cougar flips him onto his back, and his hands are snatched upwards until they are pressing at the base of the headboard. Cougar's above him, straddling his hips, a devious smile on his face if Jensen's ever seen one. 

His first instinct is to struggle, to free himself – because that's him, that's his training. He could take Cougar, easily, from here – he might not win, but he would put up a hell of a fight and at least get himself out of his current situation. But the hot flush of heat that growls through him makes him stay still, stay submissive, and he shivers with anticipation and with lust. 

Cougar bends to lick at his ear, one hand still pinning both of Jensen's to the bed. He closes his eyes at the sensation, skin tingling, breath shaky and tense. Cougar's tongue is swirling around his pinnae, and he alternates between licking and nipping, and it's so hot, so _good_ , that Jensen can barely stay still. He starts gasping with pleasure, hardly able to stop himself, and even his toes are curling in, stiff against the blankets.

Then Cougar's mouth is against his, teeth nipping at his lower lip, and Jensen's starting to think that maybe all of this is too much; a person can only take too much before the pressure gets too much and they explode. He thrusts up against Cougar, delighting in the little gasp the sniper has to make as their erections press together. He wants to do this, rattle Cougar – see him fall apart, make him bring down that impenetrable wall he lives behind so often. But not today, because Cougar seems to be intent on doing that to him instead – and Jensen can't argue, because it seems like Cougar's half way there already. 

He can barely think and barely breathe as Cougar slides down his chest, licking and biting, thumbs firm against his nipples as he rubs and twists. Jensen's melting, just dying into Cougar, but it's the nicest sort of death he could ever hope for. But then Cougar stops, rising above him, and Jensen positively _whines_ when he can't feel him anymore. Cougar doesn't go far though, just over to Jensen's wardrobe, and he takes from Jensen's most expensive suit a black Dolce and Gabbana tie that Jessie forced him to buy once. 

He swallows hard as Cougar comes back to the bed, stroking the silk tie with his fingers. He straddles Jensen again, looking down at him with undisguised lust and Jensen's never seen him like this before, _ever_. The silk tie settles over his hands, where Jensen still has them pressed together, and then Cougar is winding the material around his wrists, tying him down. 

The knot is firm and effective, and Jensen knows without looking that he's not getting out of this one any time soon. He lets his arms relax, feeling already the beginnings of cramp, but then Cougar is bending down to take him into his mouth without warning and Jensen forgets all about his arms as utter pleasure washes through him. Steady hands press down on his hips and hold him still as he tries to buck, hips jerking of their own accord. Cougar sucks gently, one hand moving to massage the base of his cock. 

Jensen wants to scream, to shout and cry out, but he's acutely aware of Jessie and Maddie sleeping just doors away and he tries to swallow it down, but the moans and gasps escape him anyway. It's as if Cougar is totally aware of what he's doing to Jensen and wants to torture Jensen to death, and knowing him, Jensen thinks, that's exactly what he _is_ trying to do. Cougar always knew the best torture techniques. 

He's not sure Cougar's even going to let him come, because everytime he gets close the sniper backs off, gripping the base of his cock so tight he can't do anything, and then Cougar'll go and lick the head of his cock like it's nothing, like he's not teasing Jensen like this. Then Cougar lets go completely and Jensen wants to scream, because he's so close, but Cougar ignores his groans and sits up a bit. He slides a hand under Jensen's knee and tilts it up and out, widening the angle between his legs, and _holy shit_ Jensen realises what he wants to do, and the idea is so hot and so pleasurable he almost comes from the thought alone. He speads his other leg for Cougar and tilts his hips until he's almost uncomfortably open and vulnerable. It's Cougar though, so he doesn't have to worry. 

The sniper bends down again and nuzzles the inside of Jensen's thigh, making him shudder and gasp, because _holy hell_ he's sure he was never _that_ sensitive right there before. Cougar's hands press down on his thighs and hold him open, exposed, and Jensen feels himself start to shake. He takes a deep breath, tries to relax, and it seems to work because then Cougar slides a hand off his thigh and after a second or two, there's a wet finger circling his hole. 

Jensen can't hold it in, he cries out in pleasure, too far gone to worry anymore. He tries hard not to clench, but he can't help it as Cougar tries to press his finger in, but the sniper hushes and soothes him and Jensen relaxes again. 

“Push,” Cougar whispers, and Jensen obeys, and then Cougar's inside him, a finger nudging and probing him. He feels like someone's holding a current to his skin, making his veins buzz with power and light, because suddenly everything is heightened and just pure bliss. His cock is leaking against his stomach, hard and aching, but he doesn't dare move his hands to relieve himself. 

The finger starts to move in and out, just slowly, and it feels odd and foreign because it's not his finger, he can't control it and it's not familiar and safe anymore. Cougar's not pushing him though, he makes sure to check that Jensen can handle it, and then he keeps going. He pulls out completely and spits on Jensen's entrance, then breaches him again, and it's slick and easy now. Jensen's pretty sure he's going to die at any second. 

When Jensen starts to rock with the movement, to let Cougar in and out with ease, he pushes in another finger alongside the first. Jensen tightens at first, then relaxes, knowing damn well he's taken bigger when it was just him and his fingers and his toys. The urge for more, to take more, settles on him, and he lifts his knees closer to his chest, spreading himself wider. He looks down to see Cougar between his legs, hair mussed and eyes dark, intent on making Jensen just feel _good_.

Cougar crooks his fingers and presses them in just so, and suddenly they brush against Jensen's prostate and he keens again, legs trembling. He could never find it himself, apparently too inflexible, but Cougar gets it first go and it's the most wonderful thing Jensen's ever felt in bed. Cougar knows how close he is and doesn't keep touching it, just alternates brushing his prostate with deep fingering until he inserts another finger and Jensen starts feeling like he's on another planet. 

It's starting to all be too much, and Jensen's not sure he can take too much more. His brain has started to fuzz out, and he's not sure what he's actually feeling and what he's making up, and he starts to shudder and whimper. Cougar presses his lips to Jensen's thighs and seems to take pity on him, because his other hand reaches up to slide around Jensen's cock. It takes one twist around his hard flesh and one nudge against his prostate and then Jensen is coming so hard he can't breathe and his whole body just tenses up, shaking as he moans through his clenched teeth. 

It takes him a while to come down, and when he does the tie is gone, and Cougar is pressed up against him, arms around him and pressed close. Jensen pants for breath against his neck, trying to get his body under control again, and it feels in a way like he's still coming because his body is still trembling. 

Cougar kisses him, short and sweet, pressing his lips to Jensen's forehead and nose and cheeks, and finally his lips, and Jensen pulls him closer because he wants Cougar and he can't let him go. It takes him a few moments to say it, to pull his courage up from the bottom of his stomach. 

“I want you,” he whispers, and he knows Cougar heard it because he can feel him tense up against him. “I want you inside me.”

Cougar's arms tighten around him, and he feels his face being tilted up until he can see his lover, face questioning and cautious at the same time. 

Jensen nods. “Please.”

Cougar kisses him, hard and deep. Jensen doesn't realise how much he needs it until it happens, and he holds onto Cougar like he can't let go. 

He points with a shaking hand to the cabinet by the bed when they do, and Cougar fishes inside for lube. At this point Jensen realise it's getting real, and he's starting to feel nervous, but he knows how much Cougar cares and that he won't push. 

Cougar asks him to spread his legs again, and pushes a glob of lube out onto his finger. Jensen eyes it warily, but then Cougar pushes it into him and Jensen can't hold back a moan as he's stimulated again. Cougar spreads the lube inside him, and around his hole, opening him up again. He watches as Cougar lubes his cock, and sees his hands shake, and realises for the first time that Cougar is just as nervous as he is. It comforts him more than he would care to admit. 

He lies back and spreads as wide as he can, and suddenly he can feel Cougar's cock at his entrance. He can't help it, he clenches, but Cougar doesn't push and just bends down to kiss his face. Jensen relaxes and breathes, clutching Cougar's shoulders with quaking hands. 

It happens through feel, rather than anything clinical – Cougar feels his way inside, pressing gently, and Jensen closes his eyes and coaxes Cougar into him, breathing deep and relaxing. He pushes and Cougar slides almost the whole way inside, and he's suddenly there – heavy and big inside him, and _jesus_ it's nothing like Jensen felt when he was playing with his toys. Cougar pushes the rest of the way until he's skin to skin with Jensen, completely sheathed, and Jensen gasps for air as his body tries to figure out what's happening. It's not painful in the sense that he needs Cougar to pull out, it's more of a deep throb, an adjustment, and Jensen marvels at his body's ability to take his lover inside him. 

Cougar stays still above him, and Jensen can tell by the set of his jaw and his breathing that he's only holding still for Jensen's sake, trying not to hurt him by going too fast, and Jensen appreciates it more than he could have ever thought. As if Cougar can read his mind he bends down to kiss him gently, and Jensen tightens his grip to draw him closer. He can feel Cougar moving inside him, just slightly, and it's the strangest feeling that he can't possibly hope to describe. 

He pulls away from Cougar's kiss and nods again, lets him know he can move, and relief washes over Cougar's normally unreadable face. He starts by moving his hips in a circle, and Jensen gasps, still not sure what he feels, and it's not until Cougar starts to thrust gently that he realises just what's happening to his body. He can feel every inch of Cougar as he moves in and out, and he fills him so completely that Jensen's not sure how he coped til now, not having him inside. 

Eventually, they build a rhythm as they work together, Cougar sliding out and Jensen pulling him back in. Their bodies slide together until they fit just right and their arms hold each other together so they don't break apart. Cougar finds that place deep inside him that makes him feel like he's falling, and Jensen clasps his legs around him to hold him close so he can keep doing it, keep pushing inside until Jensen has finally broken. 

He's not aware of Cougar sliding a hand down until it's wrapped around his cock, and somewhere in his brain he registers that Cougar must be close because Jensen's the only one who's had the privilege of coming so far. He wants to go there with Cougar, wants to feel Cougar come against him and inside him as the same time as he gives in, so he opens his eyes and sees Cougar do the same. Cougar's eyes are dark and desperate, his mask of hidden emotions having long since disappeared. They rock together, Cougar's hips thrusting just right, and his hand tightens around Jensen's cock and he thinks he's flying. 

He's so close he can see stars in his vision, but he holds on, searching Cougar's eyes until he can see the last vestiges of his control crumble into dust. He lets himself go as he feels Cougar shudder and shake in his arms, and they come together so hard and so _right_ that Jensen thinks he and Cougar can't be any less than the same person now. 

He can feel Cougar deep inside him, hot spurts that mark him forever. Tears leak at the corners of his eyes and he feels them run down his cheeks, and he can't wipe them away because he just can't move anymore. Cougar is open and bare above him, rapid Spanish dropping from his lips, and Jensen would give anything to know what it means. He watches Cougar, because that's the only thing he can do, and he realises that Cougar fell apart like this because of him. 

Cougar pulls him over, but he's by no means regained control, and it's Jensen who pulls him up, wraps his arms around him even tighter than before. He feels as Cougar slips out of him, feels what Cougar left inside him leak out of him slowly. He's still shaking and he can't possibly move, and neither can Cougar. At some point he regains a little sense and uses the sheet to clean himself off, but after that his brain can do nothing but sleep so he does, curled up to Cougar and so close it was hard to tell where one ended and the other began. 


End file.
